The Man came to collect...

Yes, tax season is upon us. Well for some of you it probably has not even been thought about as the deadline to turn in 1040's is not until April 15, but for me and my ahead-of-the-game attitude I've already received my returns. No big deal. Anyways this was my first year doing this crap myself and I have to say it's pretty easy. I used TurboTax's free online prep for the federal return and I have to say it was easy to use and seemed to do a good job. I just do the short form because my only charitable giving deduction I had was a $2.00 donation to the Bates College general fund. That's a 100% increase in my donation from last year. But at any rate the TurboTax preparations was easy except for the fact I forgot a 1099 and now have to contact the IRS and send them a check for 22 bones because I forgot to declare some interest from a savings account and that raised my tax by the aforementioned $22. And I'm a lot of things but certainly not a tax cheat. Which also mean's I'll have to do the same thing for my Maine return once I hear back from the Fed.

I hate taxes but until we're able to rid the country of wasteful spending I will continue to pay them, like everybody else should. I'm for two things from taxes: building roads and protecting our borders (post WWI isolationism, not the bullshit we're doing now with half a million troops around the world "keeping the peace"). But even with everything else we're paying for now I will let the man have it, grudgingly.

But since I got my returns already I decided to splurge and buy the rather pricey Bose in ear headphones to accessorize my iPod (As recommended by the younger Mr. Fletcher). They're swell. First time I've heard bass in a headphone since I had some baller Sony's that were as big as saucers back in early high school. So, Mr. President, I expect a thank you note by the end of March for my effort to stimulate the economy. And for my on time student loan payments that are well ahead of schedule, too, which head directly to the financial market. I really am a giver.




--

Total tangent but let me tell you all about the best exercise out there today: The dumbbell crossover hang snatch.



This only shows a regular dumbbell snatch but you get the idea. Hold the dumbbell in your right hand but start with it on your left side, then finish over your right shoulder like normal. And vice versa.It it a very nice total body exercise and works the stabilizer muscles in the core very well. Start light until you get the form but this in an exercise you should be under control while doing. Try it out and thank me later. I'm back fired up about the exercising. If you notice a difference in me it's because I rode the bike two days this week and lifted once. Grab your torch and pitchfork, it only took me two months to get my ass in gear. Mmhmmm. Cheers.

First ever...

blog from a toilet for me. Hotel wi-fi is convenient. Be proud, mother and father.

When I'm home I don't really watch TV other than whatever my parents have on. But when I'm in the Hampton Inn I'll watch HBO for 17 hours straight (except in the case of last night when Real Sports and a shitty Will Smith movie were on...). FInally saw an episode of Eastbound and Down; I didn't find it to be as humorous as I' had hoped. I think I've just grown tired of Will Ferrel's shtick and that show just reeks of his over-the-top overacting. I don't know what it is but I just don't find him all that amusing anymore...I'm sure I'm in the minority and I'm really not worried about it. The washed up pitcher did have a bitching mullet though, they should have just called him Rod Beck. Which isn't really that funny because Beck had a few legit years and played for the love of the game and these dickheads mock a guy who looks just like the Beck-ster. So, f-you HBO.

Fool's Gold was on this morning, too. I mocked Marie when she bought it for a couple days ago, but it was mildly amusing in an AWFULLY bad way. Kate Hudson and some other up-and-coming actress were in bikini's throughout so it wasn't painful to watch. But, if you have to pay to see then I would not recommend it.

Good luck to the Eddies tonight in the State b-ball game. Wish I could be there. Nick'll be back in town, he's a baller and flew back for the game. Call him Starbury (now that Starbury has to be back flying commercial). But anyways I'm sure we'll be out and about tonight for those who are back in town. I coached 4 of the guys on the bball roster in fooseball, educating them in the art of hard work, modesty and doing the little things right. From the game I saw in Augusta none of those four crash the offensive glass so clearly none of what I said carried over. If they beat TA I'll still give myself 4% of the credit for the gold ball. That's enough for me. Anyways, see you out there. Cheers.

And you thought my stories were bizzare..

Maurice Clarrett has his own blog. I wish I could say his words have been an inspiration...but as of writing this they have not. I can only hope he speaks to you more than he's spoken to me...

The Mind of Maurice Clarrett

This is a lazy excuse for a post. I apologize.

When you're in the papes, you're famous...

And that's what's so great about Barstool Sports!

Yes, by now many of you are aware of this: This ugly mug was featured on the site of Greater Boston's foremost smut peddler (Scroll to #3...). And I (of course) couldn't be prouder of this (Neither could Nick, apparently, who now seems to be the newest blogger on the 'Stool. And just ask him how funny he thinks he is for his PS line, he'll tell you. Hah, just goes to show how clever I was...)

I'm even willing to let slide the fact the site's head honcho hasn't replied to one of the four emails I sent that bastard. One of them was even a smoke show tip and of course she got posted. And I think many of us had a laugh about the good old days. Ah, memories.

Anyways. I bring it when it comes to Halloween, but this costume took the cake. I haven't been out for Halloween since. That's how psychologically damaged I am because of this costume. It's obvious I have nowhere to go but down. I went from a badass Johnny Damon (Had to fake the beard, everyone knows I can't grow facial hair...) to a more than lifelike Johnny Depp as Capt. Jack Sparrow (needed to glue extensions on the "goatee," but beaded my own hair...) to the coup de grace...Lt. Daniel Taylor. Admit it, I'm good. If I wasn't in college I would have made bank at a bar with this little getup (the paper bag beer coozie was an aftermarket accessory, sorry Gary). It's called commitment. And I had it coming out my ears that evening. Guys wanted to be me. Ladies wanted me (and the one who got me was kind enough to push me home so I could stay in costume...I know you're out there and I thank you).




One day inspiration will strike and I'll come back stronger than ever. But for now I'm useless. If you want to make me feel better then buy me the t-shirt El Pres never came through on. Straight Cash, Homey (size large)!! And on a side note if you don't know the 'Stool then get to know it. Jerry Thorton is the king.

There's nothing like going to the Goose and having random people recognize you. It's really a treat. Cheers (to that).

May 31...

That is the day I have my "life" back. Don't get me wrong, I like what I'm currently doing and couldn't really ask for a better gig (well, I could, but I don't think anyone would listen). It's just my life exists in a parallel universe to all you other young, working professionals. I live in a vacuum where personal, sick, and vacation days really don't exist. My weekends involve bus travel, like many of yours do, but my travels take me to various 200 and 400 meter tracks in the northeast, not to exciting nightlife destinations. I don't think many of you would classify my weekends as "great." I do most times, so I guess I'm different. I'll have had one off weekend from mid January until the end of May, and let me tell you something: my ass will not be traveling to NYC or Boston or anywhere other than off the couch on the weekend of March 20-21. Sorry to disappoint you if you had your hopes up.

"so and so came this weekend, why didn't you?"
"It's XYZ's birthday party this weekend, you coming down?"
"Why do I never see you out on the weekends?"
"Why have you never made it down?"

My apologies to all. I love each and every one of you and I get a little misty each weekend when I hear of all the debauchery you donkeys are involving yourselves in.

Don't worry, though. Post-May 31 by now you're all aware of my lack of employment which means I will be coming to a couch near you for an indeterminate (read: until you kick me out...aggressively) amount of time.

Yes, all (six...) of you. Get ready, I'll be making up for lost time. Cheers (and, soon enough, kisses).

Get your umbrella...

This is a brainstorm. Haven't had a chance to get anything meaningful up over the last few days because of the snow and work and just a desire to read rather than write, so while Mr. President is speaking to Congress I'll get some words out.

- This snow sucks, but my biggest annoyance with snow and a huge pet peeve are the idiots who choose to only clear portholes in the front and back windows of their cars and leave 14 inches of snow on their roofs to fly off in big ass chunks when they are traveling down the road. Each time I see this I want to shoot your tires and see you careen off a cliff. If you, the reader, does not clear your roof...fix it.

- So up until a couple of years ago we had an old ass singled roof on the Capone residence and most times when we got a lot of snow Skip and I would go up and shovel it off. I thought this was because mom-dukes was afraid of leaks. But we got some nice, fresh Certainteed 25 year architectural's on this bitch...and my ass is still up on the roof shoveling. As it turns out mom-dukes just likes to see us suffer. So, the roof is where I'll be bright and early tomorrow morning. Yippee...

- Tomorrow I have my first dentist appointment in about 4 years. I hate the dentist. I hate doctors, too. The physical is coming one of these days, I need to find a doctor before I can do that. But I called the dentist down the street and they had an appointment tomorrow so I took it. I don't want time to think about it. When a good friend of mine goes to the dentist she gets prescribed a Xanax because she gets so worked up about it. When I get my cavity filled (I know I have at least one from 4 years ago...and those things don't seem to fill themselves...) I may try to do the same...not because I can't take it but because I think it would be a treat to pop a Xanax. This, of course, is contingent on me getting a physical and actually having a primary care physician before I get that sucker filled, and alo that I can do all this before the end of May when my ass is out of work and uninsured. One of these days I'll get around to all this...

- While the President is blowing smoke about creating jobs he should give me one. Just...give it to me. $10k a year. That would just be a kind gesture of him.

- Buh bye to a place where I grew up: Taylor Brook Video. Old man Levasseur finally closed his doors this past Sunday. Marie got Margot at the Wedding and Vicky Christina Barcelona (and 4 other dung piles which will remain nameless) so, again, I'd rather watch those Wednesday or Thursday that stare at this computer screen (Some would say it's a problem I'll pay close attention to a movie but ask why I'm not paying close attention to the President tonight. I say nothing he says tonight is actually going to do anything. So there)

- Pop Shoppe Diner. If you've never been, go. Since Bagel's & Things closed its doors this place makes the best omlette in town. Daily specials, reasonable prices and bottomless cups of coffee. On Main St in L-town right near Frye St. They're not open Mondays but deal with it.

No promises of new blogs in the near future, until about Friday when I'm really going to pound some stuff out. Hampton Inn hotel rooms give me the space I need to write and relax. But I'm going to start revamping my resume right now so I may actually be able to send it on out sometime in the near future. I don't really know what, exactly, it is that I've done for the past two years so it may take me a little while to sort that out. I'll still try to find a good video or two to throw up but I can't guarantee anything of substance until this task is completed.

This would be a good time for me to ask a request from you (all three or four of you...) readers who I don't speak to often (Basically anyone else but Nick). Let me know how the hell you are doing... I'm all ears. Y'all know all the stupid crap I waste my time with on a daily basis, what is it that charges your batteries?! What grinds your gears? You know my name. Look up the number (no, actually email most all of you know I never answer my phone...)!

Land o Lakes

This is a throwback to Mad Magazine and it gets me every time. I'm 24 but I still (and always will) appreciate bathroom humor; this is a personal favorite of mine. I can't buy Land O Lakes butter and not do this. I didn't read the magazine often but when I did they always had some great stuff like this. Another personal favorite is the dirty dog but I'll save that for another day.

And every time my mom wonders what I'm doing and then I yell "BOOBIES!" and I laugh uncontrollably as she shakes her head and walks off...so it goes.

But c'mon, Ms. O Lakes is a babe. She's magically babelicious. In Latin she would be called "babia majora". If she were a president she would be Baberaham Lincoln. She's a fox. In French she would be called "la renarde" and she would be hunted with only her cunning to protect her.

And Land O Lakes is a clever name seeing as the butter is produced in Minnesota, the land of 10,000 lakes. I did not know this butter was made in Minnesota, I just assumed it was made in Wisconsin like most other dairy products. Now it all makes sense. Happy Monday. Cheers.

Fuck Shawn Penn

My no swearing rule is broken only for this fucking hack. Awful. Now I'm going to bed unhappy. We're getting shit on with snow tonight, too. Sweet night. Dicks. Shawn Penn used the Oscars as a platform for his political agenda, what a shocker! Cock knocker. And don't thank Mickey Rourke, he doesn't want your respect. I didn't expect Rourke to win, I'm just furious Sean Penn won. He sucks at life. Horse's ass.

Well, consider this my swan song for all things Wrestler-related. I think it's time I move on. That is, until I get my Wrestler poster matted and framed. Then you'll hear from me on this subject again. Cheers

Get Excited

From The Independent Spirit Awards Saturday night. About to announce best actor and actress. Let's go!

"Not many girls can climb the pole. But she climbed the pole and did it well."

Stay tuned. Cheers.

Oscar Blog

It's 9:30 and the Academy Awards are in full swing. I'm not happy with the fact Milk seems to be getting a big push. Not because it might win Best Picture but because it may mean we may have to hear Sean Penn's guaranteed-shitty acceptance speech for Best Actor. This would also mean my obvious choice (take a guess...) would lose to a hack actor like Sean Penn. I just hate Sean Penn. I've never liked him. He's a douche bag blowhard who uses his status as a shitty actor to spew his left-wing liberal agenda to the masses. He's so far left he's even an outsider in Hollywood. So, Sean, if you win tonight, kiss my ass.

IMDB has been running a pretty cool thing where the update their site every time a new winner is announced. I also got trolling around the site looking for showtimes for some of the filmed nominated tonight and I found out I'm older than Scarlett Johansson by about 5 months. I don't know why this was troublesome to me. I guess it's just another sign I'm all growed up. But seriously it seems like she's been around for awhile. Also this just reinforces I'm coming up on the silver anniversary of my birth date. Yippee. Well, stay tuned for a tirade and good luck to my man, Mickey. You know I'm pulling for you. And Marisa Tomei brought it tonight - she looks GREAT (not that she doesn't usually...) Cheers.

--

Also, unrelated, I' watched Conan all last week as it was his last time on at 12:30. Some very, very funny stuff. This, however, was without a doubt my favorite clip of the week. I think this was about as cold-blooded as I've ever seen Triumph. Absolutely awesome. Sloat - Star Wars sucks. Get a life. Geek.

But, Sorry, Triumph. RISK is legit. You probably don't like it because you can't see colors. Which means you can't see the colors of the American Flag. Commie.

Full clip is right here, courtesy of Hulu (Me knowing of Hulu is courtesy of (wait for it...) Sloat)

--

Also, from Marie when Beyonce came out to sing with Hugh Jackman - "Is she someone?" Great stuff.

And cudos to the folks on the telepromter for fucking up Philip Seymour Hoffman. Mr Hoffman looked like he appreciated being called Seymour Philip...

Direct From Sloat's Basement...

No, not football hard hits (though that was an instant classic, I think we can all agree...and yes, Will, it is...) but a close second. Sloat: appreciate this, it's just for you. Sorry for not having much else today...I've had a cold all week and I just decided to sleep quite a bit. Plus heading up to Augusta last night drained my batteries. I'm only one man. But, enjoy this all the same.