My Yellow NotePad: "What, did you go on vacation...?

"...I figured. You're looking pretty pale."

So began my return to the Hula Grill Wednesday, not much more than twelve hours after my return to the 808 from the friendly, homely confines of the 207. It's a tough life I lead, really. I found the aforementioned comment pretty hysterical as most people returning from vacation stand out because they are, in fact, tan. Maui living is...different.

Back home on my way to Albany to catch the Crowes it was intermittently raining cats and dogs so I was forced to use my windshield wipers from time to time. I am tremendously OCD when it come to windshield wiper operation. I believe windshield wiper speed should be adjusted according to the precipitation and if precipitation slows then windshield wiper speed should also slow accordingly. As a passenger if this does not occur then I get annoyed, exceedingly so if the wipers make that annoying "SQUEEEEEAK" when there's not enough moisture on the windshield to properly lubricate the wipers. I'm not kidding, I freak out inside when this happens. It ruins my driving experience.

In my Jeep well back when I didn't have the slow-ish speed that you could adjust. I just had "OFF," "ON," and "SUPER FAST." "SUPER FAST" should never be used, except in hurricane- or tornado-like conditions.

The one, ONE time I used the "SUPER FAST" setting was in my Volvo cruising from Nashville to Manchester, TN to Bonnaroo when we drover through tornado reports. It was frightening. I was going 35 on the highway and we could see ABSOLUTELY NOTHING BUT RAINDROP SLATTER, even in "SUPER FAST" mode. Never do this; it's not much fun. Nick can attest to this. He was hating life. My driving was piss poor at best that morning. FYI: PED'S increase chances of hangover.

At any rate, this lack of options contributed to my enjoyment of driving as long as I could with raindrops accumulating on the windshield until, just prior to raindrop-out, "SWISH." This wasn't turning the windshield wipers on but rather just slipping the jab, so to speak, and sparking the single shot wiper. I'd drive for plenty long just single shotting every 30 seconds or so rather than have my wipers moving two drops a pass. That's just how I rolled. This kept me squeak-free for a good six years.

When I picked up the Volvo and because a two car family I gained not only another car but another speed of windshield wiper freedom, in the form of the "SLOWER ON" speed. It was handy in that I didn't have to slip the jab quite as much but obviously it was nowhere as handy as the more modern, multi-speed twister how-do-you-do that has been present on most cars built in the last, oh, fifteen years or so.

ASIDE HERE: This is not to say until this time home I've never used this more modern, multi-speed twister how-do-you-do, just that it's never been my daily driver. Ma's gold Chevrolet Malibu used to have this twisty speed, I just didn't drive it enough to call it my daily-driver and thus develop the idiosyncraties that generally result with someone spending an inordinate amount of time with something.

SECONDARY ASIDE: This more modern, multi-speed twister how-do-you-do is the doo-dad that twists on your windshield wiper stick that, when clicked to the corresponding angle (usually it goes from "OFF" to this more modern, multi-speed twister how-do-you-do to "ON" to "SUPER FAST" in one direction and then you can slip the jab in the other direction. So when in the more modern, multi-speed twister how-do-you-do setting you can twist the column and adjust the delay between wipes from just more than your standard "ON" setting to fifteen or so seconds between passes. Glad we cleared that up..

ANWAYS I drove Ma's Nissan to Albany and this car, being built within the last fifteen or so years, possessed the more modern, multi-speed twister how-do-you-do setting. We'll call it the "DELAY" setting from here on out. As the rain changed speed I adjusted the tempo of the delay accordingly. I'd say over the four hours of on-and-off wet travel I ended up "ON" for less than five minutes. Between an hour and ninety minutes were spent in the "DELAY" range. This was changed about every thirty seconds because I NEED MY WIPERS TO BE RESPONDING TO THE EXACT RATE OF RAINDROP FALL. Then the rest was a jab here and a jab there.

Skip doesn't do any of this. Hasn't for as long as I can remember. All I remember is "SQUEEEEAK." Still hurts my ears. It drives me up a WALL. Love you, Skip. You don't read. Ma does. She'll tell you. I expect a "FUCK YOURSELF" text or voice message within the next twelve hours. I deserve it. But, god dammit, dial in your wipers, folks.

Also the drive I listened to the Crowes' The Southern Harmony and Musical Companion. Their second album. As it turned out they played quite a bit at the show but it was certainly nice to reconnect with this gem. Ten high-quality songs. A lot more blues-rocky than their debut. I'mma huge fan. Few folks still live in the 207 but most Bull Moose's stock this used for under $3 ($2.97, but still, under three Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers..). If you like the Crowes and don't have this album then you're a fool. If you don't know if you like the Crowes then scoop the for three bucks and you'll see that you like the Crowes. It's that simple. I even provided you with a picture of the album cover so you'll know what to look for. It's delightful.

-Note to KathV & Jenn with two N's: Here is your test: If you have been staying current with your readership of the 'Pad I will find out quite soon. I obtained a copy of the Crowes show we went to. Ya. "She Talks To Angels." "Hard To Handle." "By Your Side." SEVENTEEN MINUTES of "Wiser Time." A cover of Velvet Underground's "Oh! Sweet Nuthin'." All that. Three hours of memories can be yours if I receive in text message within the next 48 hours: "And the band played on, in golden harmony."

Cheers.