Saturday, February 28, 2009

The Man came to collect...

Yes, tax season is upon us. Well for some of you it probably has not even been thought about as the deadline to turn in 1040's is not until April 15, but for me and my ahead-of-the-game attitude I've already received my returns. No big deal. Anyways this was my first year doing this crap myself and I have to say it's pretty easy. I used TurboTax's free online prep for the federal return and I have to say it was easy to use and seemed to do a good job. I just do the short form because my only charitable giving deduction I had was a $2.00 donation to the Bates College general fund. That's a 100% increase in my donation from last year. But at any rate the TurboTax preparations was easy except for the fact I forgot a 1099 and now have to contact the IRS and send them a check for 22 bones because I forgot to declare some interest from a savings account and that raised my tax by the aforementioned $22. And I'm a lot of things but certainly not a tax cheat. Which also mean's I'll have to do the same thing for my Maine return once I hear back from the Fed.

I hate taxes but until we're able to rid the country of wasteful spending I will continue to pay them, like everybody else should. I'm for two things from taxes: building roads and protecting our borders (post WWI isolationism, not the bullshit we're doing now with half a million troops around the world "keeping the peace"). But even with everything else we're paying for now I will let the man have it, grudgingly.

But since I got my returns already I decided to splurge and buy the rather pricey Bose in ear headphones to accessorize my iPod (As recommended by the younger Mr. Fletcher). They're swell. First time I've heard bass in a headphone since I had some baller Sony's that were as big as saucers back in early high school. So, Mr. President, I expect a thank you note by the end of March for my effort to stimulate the economy. And for my on time student loan payments that are well ahead of schedule, too, which head directly to the financial market. I really am a giver.


Total tangent but let me tell you all about the best exercise out there today: The dumbbell crossover hang snatch.

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This only shows a regular dumbbell snatch but you get the idea. Hold the dumbbell in your right hand but start with it on your left side, then finish over your right shoulder like normal. And vice versa.It it a very nice total body exercise and works the stabilizer muscles in the core very well. Start light until you get the form but this in an exercise you should be under control while doing. Try it out and thank me later. I'm back fired up about the exercising. If you notice a difference in me it's because I rode the bike two days this week and lifted once. Grab your torch and pitchfork, it only took me two months to get my ass in gear. Mmhmmm. Cheers.

First ever...

blog from a toilet for me. Hotel wi-fi is convenient. Be proud, mother and father.

When I'm home I don't really watch TV other than whatever my parents have on. But when I'm in the Hampton Inn I'll watch HBO for 17 hours straight (except in the case of last night when Real Sports and a shitty Will Smith movie were on...). FInally saw an episode of Eastbound and Down; I didn't find it to be as humorous as I' had hoped. I think I've just grown tired of Will Ferrel's shtick and that show just reeks of his over-the-top overacting. I don't know what it is but I just don't find him all that amusing anymore...I'm sure I'm in the minority and I'm really not worried about it. The washed up pitcher did have a bitching mullet though, they should have just called him Rod Beck. Which isn't really that funny because Beck had a few legit years and played for the love of the game and these dickheads mock a guy who looks just like the Beck-ster. So, f-you HBO.

Fool's Gold was on this morning, too. I mocked Marie when she bought it for a couple days ago, but it was mildly amusing in an AWFULLY bad way. Kate Hudson and some other up-and-coming actress were in bikini's throughout so it wasn't painful to watch. But, if you have to pay to see then I would not recommend it.

Good luck to the Eddies tonight in the State b-ball game. Wish I could be there. Nick'll be back in town, he's a baller and flew back for the game. Call him Starbury (now that Starbury has to be back flying commercial). But anyways I'm sure we'll be out and about tonight for those who are back in town. I coached 4 of the guys on the bball roster in fooseball, educating them in the art of hard work, modesty and doing the little things right. From the game I saw in Augusta none of those four crash the offensive glass so clearly none of what I said carried over. If they beat TA I'll still give myself 4% of the credit for the gold ball. That's enough for me. Anyways, see you out there. Cheers.

Friday, February 27, 2009

And you thought my stories were bizzare..

Maurice Clarrett has his own blog. I wish I could say his words have been an inspiration...but as of writing this they have not. I can only hope he speaks to you more than he's spoken to me...

This is a lazy excuse for a post. I apologize.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

When you're in the papes, you're famous...

And that's what's so great about Barstool Sports!

Yes, by now many of you are aware of this: This ugly mug was featured on the site of Greater Boston's foremost smut peddler (Scroll to #3...). And I (of course) couldn't be prouder of this (Neither could Nick, apparently, who now seems to be the newest blogger on the 'Stool. And just ask him how funny he thinks he is for his PS line, he'll tell you. Hah, just goes to show how clever I was...)
I'm even willing to let slide the fact the site's head honcho hasn't replied to one of the four emails I sent that bastard. One of them was even a smoke show tip and of course she got posted. And I think many of us had a laugh about the good old days. Ah, memories.

Anyways. I bring it when it comes to Halloween, but this costume took the cake. I haven't been out for Halloween since. That's how psychologically damaged I am because of this costume. It's obvious I have nowhere to go but down. I went from a badass Johnny Damon (Had to fake the beard, everyone knows I can't grow facial hair...) to a more than lifelike Johnny Depp as Capt. Jack Sparrow (needed to glue extensions on the "goatee," but beaded my own hair...) to the coup de grace...Lt. Daniel Taylor. Admit it, I'm good. If I wasn't in college I would have made bank at a bar with this little getup (the paper bag beer coozie was an aftermarket accessory, sorry Gary). It's called commitment. And I had it coming out my ears that evening. Guys wanted to be me. Ladies wanted me (and the one who got me was kind enough to push me home so I could stay in costume...I know you're out there and I thank you).

One day inspiration will strike and I'll come back stronger than ever. But for now I'm useless. If you want to make me feel better then buy me the t-shirt El Pres never came through on. Straight Cash, Homey (size large)!! And on a side note if you don't know the 'Stool then get to know it. Jerry Thorton is the king.

There's nothing like going to the Goose and having random people recognize you. It's really a treat. Cheers (to that).

May 31...

That is the day I have my "life" back. Don't get me wrong, I like what I'm currently doing and couldn't really ask for a better gig (well, I could, but I don't think anyone would listen). It's just my life exists in a parallel universe to all you other young, working professionals. I live in a vacuum where personal, sick, and vacation days really don't exist. My weekends involve bus travel, like many of yours do, but my travels take me to various 200 and 400 meter tracks in the northeast, not to exciting nightlife destinations. I don't think many of you would classify my weekends as "great." I do most times, so I guess I'm different. I'll have had one off weekend from mid January until the end of May, and let me tell you something: my ass will not be traveling to NYC or Boston or anywhere other than off the couch on the weekend of March 20-21. Sorry to disappoint you if you had your hopes up.
"so and so came this weekend, why didn't you?"
"It's XYZ's birthday party this weekend, you coming down?"
"Why do I never see you out on the weekends?"
"Why have you never made it down?"
My apologies to all. I love each and every one of you and I get a little misty each weekend when I hear of all the debauchery you donkeys are involving yourselves in.

Don't worry, though. Post-May 31 by now you're all aware of my lack of employment which means I will be coming to a couch near you for an indeterminate (read: until you kick me out...aggressively) amount of time.
Yes, all (six...) of you. Get ready, I'll be making up for lost time. Cheers (and, soon enough, kisses).

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Get your umbrella...

This is a brainstorm. Haven't had a chance to get anything meaningful up over the last few days because of the snow and work and just a desire to read rather than write, so while Mr. President is speaking to Congress I'll get some words out.
- This snow sucks, but my biggest annoyance with snow and a huge pet peeve are the idiots who choose to only clear portholes in the front and back windows of their cars and leave 14 inches of snow on their roofs to fly off in big ass chunks when they are traveling down the road. Each time I see this I want to shoot your tires and see you careen off a cliff. If you, the reader, does not clear your roof...fix it.

- So up until a couple of years ago we had an old ass singled roof on the Capone residence and most times when we got a lot of snow Skip and I would go up and shovel it off. I thought this was because mom-dukes was afraid of leaks. But we got some nice, fresh Certainteed 25 year architectural's on this bitch...and my ass is still up on the roof shoveling. As it turns out mom-dukes just likes to see us suffer. So, the roof is where I'll be bright and early tomorrow morning. Yippee...

- Tomorrow I have my first dentist appointment in about 4 years. I hate the dentist. I hate doctors, too. The physical is coming one of these days, I need to find a doctor before I can do that. But I called the dentist down the street and they had an appointment tomorrow so I took it. I don't want time to think about it. When a good friend of mine goes to the dentist she gets prescribed a Xanax because she gets so worked up about it. When I get my cavity filled (I know I have at least one from 4 years ago...and those things don't seem to fill themselves...) I may try to do the same...not because I can't take it but because I think it would be a treat to pop a Xanax. This, of course, is contingent on me getting a physical and actually having a primary care physician before I get that sucker filled, and alo that I can do all this before the end of May when my ass is out of work and uninsured. One of these days I'll get around to all this...

- While the President is blowing smoke about creating jobs he should give me one. Just...give it to me. $10k a year. That would just be a kind gesture of him.
- Buh bye to a place where I grew up: Taylor Brook Video. Old man Levasseur finally closed his doors this past Sunday. Marie got Margot at the Wedding and Vicky Christina Barcelona (and 4 other dung piles which will remain nameless) so, again, I'd rather watch those Wednesday or Thursday that stare at this computer screen (Some would say it's a problem I'll pay close attention to a movie but ask why I'm not paying close attention to the President tonight. I say nothing he says tonight is actually going to do anything. So there)

- Pop Shoppe Diner. If you've never been, go. Since Bagel's & Things closed its doors this place makes the best omlette in town. Daily specials, reasonable prices and bottomless cups of coffee. On Main St in L-town right near Frye St. They're not open Mondays but deal with it.
No promises of new blogs in the near future, until about Friday when I'm really going to pound some stuff out. Hampton Inn hotel rooms give me the space I need to write and relax. But I'm going to start revamping my resume right now so I may actually be able to send it on out sometime in the near future. I don't really know what, exactly, it is that I've done for the past two years so it may take me a little while to sort that out. I'll still try to find a good video or two to throw up but I can't guarantee anything of substance until this task is completed.

This would be a good time for me to ask a request from you (all three or four of you...) readers who I don't speak to often (Basically anyone else but Nick). Let me know how the hell you are doing... I'm all ears. Y'all know all the stupid crap I waste my time with on a daily basis, what is it that charges your batteries?! What grinds your gears? You know my name. Look up the number (no, actually email most all of you know I never answer my phone...)!

Monday, February 23, 2009

Land o Lakes

This is a throwback to Mad Magazine and it gets me every time. I'm 24 but I still (and always will) appreciate bathroom humor; this is a personal favorite of mine. I can't buy Land O Lakes butter and not do this. I didn't read the magazine often but when I did they always had some great stuff like this. Another personal favorite is the dirty dog but I'll save that for another day.

And every time my mom wonders what I'm doing and then I yell "BOOBIES!" and I laugh uncontrollably as she shakes her head and walks it goes.

But c'mon, Ms. O Lakes is a babe. She's magically babelicious. In Latin she would be called "babia majora". If she were a president she would be Baberaham Lincoln. She's a fox. In French she would be called "la renarde" and she would be hunted with only her cunning to protect her.

And Land O Lakes is a clever name seeing as the butter is produced in Minnesota, the land of 10,000 lakes. I did not know this butter was made in Minnesota, I just assumed it was made in Wisconsin like most other dairy products. Now it all makes sense. Happy Monday. Cheers.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Fuck Shawn Penn

My no swearing rule is broken only for this fucking hack. Awful. Now I'm going to bed unhappy. We're getting shit on with snow tonight, too. Sweet night. Dicks. Shawn Penn used the Oscars as a platform for his political agenda, what a shocker! Cock knocker. And don't thank Mickey Rourke, he doesn't want your respect. I didn't expect Rourke to win, I'm just furious Sean Penn won. He sucks at life. Horse's ass.

Well, consider this my swan song for all things Wrestler-related. I think it's time I move on. That is, until I get my Wrestler poster matted and framed. Then you'll hear from me on this subject again. Cheers

Get Excited

From The Independent Spirit Awards Saturday night. About to announce best actor and actress. Let's go!

"Not many girls can climb the pole. But she climbed the pole and did it well."

Stay tuned. Cheers.

Oscar Blog

It's 9:30 and the Academy Awards are in full swing. I'm not happy with the fact Milk seems to be getting a big push. Not because it might win Best Picture but because it may mean we may have to hear Sean Penn's guaranteed-shitty acceptance speech for Best Actor. This would also mean my obvious choice (take a guess...) would lose to a hack actor like Sean Penn. I just hate Sean Penn. I've never liked him. He's a douche bag blowhard who uses his status as a shitty actor to spew his left-wing liberal agenda to the masses. He's so far left he's even an outsider in Hollywood. So, Sean, if you win tonight, kiss my ass.

IMDB has been running a pretty cool thing where the update their site every time a new winner is announced. I also got trolling around the site looking for showtimes for some of the filmed nominated tonight and I found out I'm older than Scarlett Johansson by about 5 months. I don't know why this was troublesome to me. I guess it's just another sign I'm all growed up. But seriously it seems like she's been around for awhile. Also this just reinforces I'm coming up on the silver anniversary of my birth date. Yippee. Well, stay tuned for a tirade and good luck to my man, Mickey. You know I'm pulling for you. And Marisa Tomei brought it tonight - she looks GREAT (not that she doesn't usually...) Cheers.


Also, unrelated, I' watched Conan all last week as it was his last time on at 12:30. Some very, very funny stuff. This, however, was without a doubt my favorite clip of the week. I think this was about as cold-blooded as I've ever seen Triumph. Absolutely awesome. Sloat - Star Wars sucks. Get a life. Geek.

But, Sorry, Triumph. RISK is legit. You probably don't like it because you can't see colors. Which means you can't see the colors of the American Flag. Commie.
Full clip is right here, courtesy of Hulu (Me knowing of Hulu is courtesy of (wait for it...) Sloat)


Also, from Marie when Beyonce came out to sing with Hugh Jackman - "Is she someone?" Great stuff.

And cudos to the folks on the telepromter for fucking up Philip Seymour Hoffman. Mr Hoffman looked like he appreciated being called Seymour Philip...

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Direct From Sloat's Basement...

No, not football hard hits (though that was an instant classic, I think we can all agree...and yes, Will, it is...) but a close second. Sloat: appreciate this, it's just for you. Sorry for not having much else today...I've had a cold all week and I just decided to sleep quite a bit. Plus heading up to Augusta last night drained my batteries. I'm only one man. But, enjoy this all the same.

Insult to Injury

So tonight I took in a little tournament high school basketball in Augusta, my alma mater was playing and some of my former players were on the team so I took a drive up with a couple of folks to watch. And the game sucked, there was no flow and whistles were blowing left and right. Usually I don't harp on officials but the stripes really got in the way tonight. But anyways the EL boys pulled it out and look all ready to go for a big conference finals game on Friday. Let's go, fellas.

But I told you that story to tell you this story, and I WISH I had a picture to go with this - it was a classic scene. Sometime in the middle of the 2nd quarter some punk high school kid (backwards cock-eyed hat, tight bright shirt, baggy sagged jeans, probably a big clunky watch...the works) has been cuffed by two Augusta police officers and they are escorting him out of the Augusta Civic Center, presumably to Kennebec County Jail. The end location is irrelevant, the fact of the matter is they had to walk him around half of the court and then they were taking out the main entrance, basically to humiliate the kid and make him walk past everyone while he's cuffed. And if that wasn't funny enough (that alone was worth the price of admission...which was good because it was a shitty game to watch), when he was about 10 feet from the doord and, literally (I'm not making this up) right in front of us, his sagged pants and Campbell-esque belt could take it no more and one step later his baggy jeans were down at his ankles. That kid = HUMILIATED. I almost fell out of my seat laughing at him as he struggled to pull them back up with his hands cuffed behind his back and the officers continuing to hurry him along. So let this be a lesson: If you get cuffed, be sure to hold your pants up while you're walking to the cruiser. Cheers.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Baseball's Back

In honor of spring training kicking off this week I'd like to take this opportunity to flashback to the 2004 post season celebration which involved a region rejoicing and a merchandise campaign which brought our local Sawks commercial success which only the New York Yankees and Dallas Cowboys have seen. Let me just say this: Pink hats suck.

This particular attempt at humor made by Mastercard highlights the true fans who had suffered through heartbreaking World Series loses of the 70's and 80's as well as the ineptitude of the Dan Duquette years. Some people made promises they would regret later in life. This also allowed Dennis Leary to still be Dennis Leary. He's really something else...

(I don't know who owns the rights for this video, but credit to them...)

And with SPRING training beginning let me announce my new weather rating scale for all to see. There are only two kinds of days: good days and bad days. Good days the temps are above freezing and the snow melts. Bad days the temps are below freezing, or ::gasp:: we get more snow. I'll take two weeks of straight 35 degree temps and rain if it means this white stuff is gone. Plain and simple, let's get the spring train rolling. And with that (and today I didn't even have to use my AK...), I've got to say it was a good day. Thursday? Forecast says not to it goes. Cheers.

Posture Problems

Few of you probably know this because most all of you have never seen me in front of a keyboard before, but when I type I have incredibly poor posture. I slouch like the dickens so my back is usually sore and I lean WAY in towards the screen so when I leave work my eyes are BURNING. No, wait, it's really not that extreme. But, really, I'm sure I do appear unprofessional, whether I'm at my workstation in my office or my workstation in my efficiency. If I keep this up by the time I am 35 I'll be a human resources and professional safety manager's worst nightmare. This probably just means I should stop looking for jobs that require me to sit at a desk all day. It would not only kill my back but it would also rot my brain. I don't like florescent lighting when I KNOW natural light is available elsewhere. I'm not a prisoner in the hole in OZ. I'm a GOOD guy! I just enjoy sitting leaning forward with my chin in my hand. Rubbing my scraggly facial hair unconsciously. It gives me a pensive look and it allows me to pass the time..

(Circa 2007 at my well-kept workstation, focused on my thesis...)

I believe it all comes back to how in my house growing up we did not have a legitimate desk to set our computer on. It was more of a shelf and I was never able to pull up close to the monitor and rest my arms comfortably on the keyboard area. No leg space. An extremely uncomfortable place, like the back of a Volkswagen. And I'm still a two-finger-typer so that doesn't set you up well to be comfortable at a computer, from my experiences at least. Even my offices for the last two years have been the same way. I had no room to slide in and extend my legs. My knees were killing me by the end of last year. This year is a bit better as I sit at a legitimate desk but I need to have my laptop fairly far away from my face so I still lean in like a boxer with a glass jaw. New goal: Sit up straighter. It's a tough life I lead. Cheers.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Valentine's Day Massacre, 2007

So I got home from a meet-filled weekend Saturday night and Mommy had a card and a little box of chocolates on the table for me for Valentine's Day. I took it as a joke. Valentine's days haven't gone that well for me over the years, usually because of my own carelessness, like forgetting about the "holiday" entirely or giving a valentine to someone who already has a boyfriend. The latter was more just to humour myself but needless to say it went over like a fart in church because she knew I knew she had a boyfriend and was not impressed at me humouring myself at her expense (Though she didn't expend anything, I walked to her place to give her my card. Maybe she was just a bitch. Ya, that sounds better). But I have to say my senior year of college took the cake for my valentine mishaps. The reason I thought of this is because I still have a gift that somehow made it home from school and still hasn't gotten thrown away yet (You may have noticed it in the Sperry photo, that was when it clicked where the hell that thing came from). I still find this story to be an absolute riot. I may be the only one.

Many of you know I fall in love fairly easily. Not in the sense I meet a lot of people and have a lot of relationships. More in the "Jim Carey character from Eternal Sunshine sense" in that I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention. I fall hard and I fall fast. Only in this case I don't even remember if we even spoke. She sat behind to the right of me in the 100 level Geology course I took my senior year (I sat front row, center. The only time I've ever done this. Be impressed, Mommy). Cake class and I had fun. And I learned far too much about sediment runoff and long shore drift and soil erosion which I still enjoy discussing regularly. It was not quite John Smedley's "Energy and Environment" but Bev Johnson made my close to Bates an enjoyable experience. But now I've drifted off my topic. Back to the program.

SO I had never really spoken to this young lady. She was a first year, I was a senior. I just always thought that dynamic was weird. I don't think anyone else does but for whatever reason I thought this was weird, still think it is. But it was an 8am and it met three days a week and I always dressed like a slob in sweats and hoodies (not athletic hoodies, think homeless; I guess it went with the flow) and she always dressed well as most first year female college students do and every day I would smile at her as she walked by (a friendly smile, if you can believe it. Not the old man creeper smile I shoot at Kathy on the regular) and she would always smile back, a smile which was also warm and friendly. That was enough (I know we actually talked a couple of times concerning a lab or test or something class-related so this may not be entirely true. But if you set the line of "words exchanged: total" at 50 I would bet everything I possess on the under. SO, you get the idea).

A close friend on the track team knew her through other friends informed me she was single-ish (i don't think he ever told me this, I just decided she should be single for this to actually make the slightest bit of sense) earlier in the semester, and we had class on Valentines Day (it was a Wednesday, i think) so I decided I would buy her a Valentine and give it to her after class. Or before class. But at any rate my plan centered around class. She always attended class, I always attended class; this was like clockwork. Seems like a good plan. Almost too good to be true (obvious foreshadowing here but I didn't drop the on).

So I went to Wal-Mart with a couple of track friends February 13, the one who kind of knew her and my suitemate Sam who reads this and will get a kick out of this story because he thought I was a complete loser at the time (pretty sure he was right, but we all knew that already), and I start shopping for a sweet gift. I was very close to going with the heart-shaped Tony Stewart chocolate tin but my two accomplices convinced me otherwise and instead went with a semi-oversized bear (think 14-16" tall) holding heart and a chocolate rose (I like chocolate roses. I've never had one but I like the idea of them. Much better than actual roses. If they don't make dark chocolate roses then they should). I was all geared up and ready to go.

And then it started snowing. And kept snowing. And kept snowing. And kept snowing. And, yes, it kept snowing and class was canceled because good ol' Bev J couldn't make it into class. Sonofabeesting. Was I really just bested by the northeast winter? What do I do? We didn't have class on Friday for a reason I cannot recall now and even in that case it would have been lame to bring it to class on Friday, two days after Valentine's day. AND we were going on break that Friday so I had to act fast. So I did what any normal person would do in that situation. I asked around and found out what room she lived in so I could hand-deliver this awesomely awesome present. And as luck would have it when I arrived she wasn't in her room. So her roommate opened the door to me, circa 2007, and did not seem impressed.

So it goes without saying word got back to her a random homeless man stopped by her room for no apparent reason (because I obviously wasn't going to just leave the bear with her roommate. It wasn't wrapped because wrapping paper is a waste, and besides that would have just been strange) and so, as anybody would, she obtained my screen name to get to the bottom of this matter. Many of you know Fluff217 was always online from 5th grade onward until college graduation when I cut the cord (after the destruction of 2 hard drives resulting from never shutting down my computer) so I should have been prepared (This may actually be revisionist history. Knowing me, I tracked down her screen name to apologize. But I guess that's neither here nor there). But for whatever reason even I couldn't salvage this awkward situation. She said she thought it was sweet, but I'm a shy guy and thus no words came for a response. She handled it professionally, which I respected. The timing was not right (or something along those lines, I really don't recall). She went home for break, classes ended a month after that and nothing more was ever said of this exchange (or lack thereof, to be more appropriate). A couple of times last year we ran into one another in Merrill and we exchanged pleasantries. And this whole story popped back up in my head each time and made me laugh as she would continue down the hall. And it still does. I don't know why. It probably comes from the fact I still have a bear with a year on the foot like I'm going to some day regift that thing like it's nobody's business. And the thought has crossed my mind, as anyone who knows me would agree.

As I think back, maybe "massacre" was a little too extreme. But while I still think this would have to qualify as a Lemony Snickets, I'll leave it to you to be the judges. Cheers.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

All Star Recap

I know, I know. The game just started. That's how little I care about the NBA All Star game. Only things of significance from the weekend. Kudos to the fans for getting it right in the Slam Dunk Competition. Of the two finalists Nate Robinson stepped it up and brought it. I don't care how hard Dwight Howard can dunk, he's 6'11". Nate Robinson is shorter than I am and is an absolute freak show. I was nervous people would vote early without seeing the dunks and even though Nate-Dogg won I still believe this occurred. There's no way a vote at the end of the finals would have been 52-48. Should have been at least a 65-35 spread, it wasn't even close. That being said the best dunk of the night came from Rudy Fernandez with the "off the backside of the backboard wraparound" dunk. I don't care it took him twelve tries, it was creative and he threw it down clean and with amplitude. The anti-Spain bias was out in full force (which I guess was well-deserved after their not-so-sensitive display at the Olympics. But for last night the judges needed to look past that and give credit where credit was due). That was a 50 point dunk.

During the broadcast I also heard the TNT announcers spew their first accurate and informative fact of the year. Their words (I use "their" because I cannot recall if Reggie Miller or Kenny Smith said this, but once it was said the other immediately agreed): "Eddie House should be in the 3-point Shootout." How was this not a no-brainer? Guy is a cold-blooded assassin and there's no other hypeman like him in the league. He just gets it done. Don't agree? See visual evidence provided below (Shawn, you know you love this video)...

Not to brag but the feature highlight of this compilation - Fast Eddie saving the ball to James Posey in Game 7 vs Cleveland from last year's Conference Finals - ya, I was at that game. Thank ya, Nathan, for the random 2:30am phone call the night before the game saying you had a ticket going spare. That was something else. And what was (in my opinion) inexplicably missing from this highlight was also from that Game 7 when Lebron was shooting a 3 in front of the Celtics bench and Eddie was behind him swinging a towel over Lebron's head. Needless to say 'bron-'bron missed the 3. Eddie always comes through in the clutch. Cheers.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Good fight...

...So I had some big plans for good conversation today but I'm just getting settled into my hotel bed right now (Hampton Inn king sizes are dope...) and my plans have changed. New topics have arisen which must be discussed in moderate detail. The topic is vegetarianism. I'm not going to touch the "meat is murder" argument. I just find that to be so off based I don't plan to ever waste my time arguing about that. I would like to discuss the idea that not eating meat is better for the environment and better all around and you're a better person for doing it. That they are somehow morally superior to meat eaters. We'll I've got words for you: In January there's no such thing as fresh fruits and vegetables in New England. Just getting that out there. So your environmentally sustainable dinner is flown into the states on aeroplanes that use jet fuel, then trucked throughout the various states in the union on diesel fuel. By my calculations, that's not really sustainable at all.

We need to wake up and realize that the problems are not chickens or beef but the industrialization of the food industry. I don't have the time to find citations in texts and other places but the answer is small time farming which is able to produce everything, meat and produce (Michael Pollan gets into this significantly in his works but he's rather overzealous going about it He makes good points but it can be a challenge to swallow all at once). Cattle and chickens are able to fertilize soils without the crazy nitrogen runoff of commercial farming enterprises which don't rotate crops and just strip the soil of vital nutrients. This leads to erosion and groundwater contamination and a host of other things which do not occur on smaller, well-designed farming enterprises. The answer isn't cutting the beef, the answer is going back in time 100 years and relying on small scale operations for all of your needs. Milk, eggs, meat, fruits, vegetables, and eating based on the seasons, not on what you like to eat every day. Apples are a fall treat. Chickens fatter sooner than cows so they are eaten earlier in the summer. Winter months you're only eating things that could be safely stored...via canning or root cellars or frozen if you lived in an area where temps hit freezing continually. And that was how it went.

And that's how it should be. I'm not at a point in my life when I can make this commitment because there's not a huge movement of that in Maine (though community supported agriculture are starting to take off, if i'm here after the summer i'll be buying into that) but I'd enjoy getting into crop and animal raising if I'm able to convince myself to get a legitimate job, save some money and buy a spread. It's a little dream I have. To raise chickens. For now all I can do is call out vegetarians for their shortsighted beliefs. But when I have my loft on 20 acres, you'll all see. And that's change you can believe in. Cheers.

And when I get there I want to get into stop motion animation. I've got some random ass aspirations. But not only is this my favoritie smashing pumpkins song of all time the video is also insanely well done. See, it's not that I'm directionless, it's that I'm lacking direction. Write that down.

Cheers (for real this time).

Happy Friday (the 13th...)...

Headed to Boston for a meet in an hour or so and decided to get a (wait for it...) WORKOUT!! in before I hit the road. Should be settled into my lovely Hampton Inn queen-sized bed by around 9:30 so if I don't fall directly asleep I'll try to throw up some words that have been complied over the last 10 days or so. But sticking with the high school theme from earlier in the week here's a corny-ass song that starts off really strong but then gets rather awkward when he throws in some homosexual innuendo. But, listen to the first minute and remember Sloat's house and all the good times.

I told you to remember Sloat's really just to show you this video. Some of you may have seen it already but it's still good the 2nd (or third, or fourth, or fifth...) time around.

Some people have way too much time on their hands, and I appreciate their decisions to put it to good use. Cheers.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

On Phelps and Barkley

[Editor's Note:This is old news, I suppose, but I'm just getting around to writing about it right now. My apologies for my tardiness in addressing such an "important" "internet" saga]

Nobody's perfect. Nobody should be expected to be perfect. Nobody is predestined to be perfect. No one likes everyone, no one can forgive everyone who wrongs them, nothing is true 100% of the time. Call me negative, call me a cynic but the world would not be nearly as interesting a place if this was the case. Biggie said it best: "mo money mo problems." "With great power comes great responsibility," says spiderman's uncle. They are both true, but that doesn't stop the rich and famous from doing anything they damn well please. And that is GREAT. Honestly. Why should these folks change the way they live because some assholes are going to follow them around 24/7 and sell their pictures to US and People and other shitty magazines and sites on the "internet" that cater to sad, unhappy American women so they will have something to talk about.

In high school we had Butch coming around, prowling at parties to break up our shindigs and embarrass us all (but most especially his baby boy). But did that stop us? No, of course not. Why? Because people do what they want to do. Phelps had been training for years and now had a shitload of gold and a pocket full of dough, so why not hit the pipe and flaunt it. He's a tool bag and this is the only way he'll seem cool (And take it from an "actor" who made a blog to get people to talk about him...). So why the hell not go back and do all the fun shit he would have been doing had he not been in a pool for 8 hours a day without money to buy friends. It's just common sense. Parents who lived through the 60's and now shit on this guy as classless should take a long look in the mirror and start doing their own damn job, not looking to celebrities and athletes to guide the way for their helpless and weak-minded children.

Everyone loves Charles because he'll tell it like it is and that he doesn't give a rat's ass what other people think about him, but why does this only apply to Sir Charles? The guy has made terrible decisions, is a degenerate gambler and (probable) alcoholic but the reason he gets shuffled off of TNT is because he gets a DUI looking for a blowjob on a Saturday night. DUI's are bad but the guy blew a 1.2 or something? Which is worse, driving with a 1.2 BAC or BLOWING $2MILLION ON A BAD NIGHT IN VEGAS?! Are you kidding me?

For the record I approve of neither indiscretion, but come on people. Let's just quit holding actors and models and tv personalities and athletes to higher standards and just accept the fact that if you had millions of dollars to would do the same damn things as these people. And at least you would have been smiling when you hit the pipe.

"When it came to this stuff, I could just play," - Will Hunting. That's all these actors and athletes do. Cheers.

Get a good laugh

To add another laugh to some recent internet buzz, I'd like to shoot a memory back to early high school. Those who know may fall on the floor laughing. Those who don't will never understand. But don't worry, it's not your fault. Some things just cannot be quantified...


Tuesday, February 10, 2009

New Kicks

Sunday was a beautiful morning which made me hopeful spring will be on the way soon; it was a great morning to be out on a walk. I fell asleep at Shawn's the night before so it would have been no big deal to walk home; however, my car was well across town heading away from my efficiency (this will catch on with everyone who is currently living with their parents, trust me) so I had Mommy pick me up and give me a lift to the Angel after a bit of walking. It was the silver anniversary of her 29th birthday so I waited until I got home and brushed my teeth before a birthday kiss was given. Anyway I told you that story for no other reason than to say my Mom and I went to Freeport and LL Bean on Sunday afternoon.

I had some camping items which I was interested in taking a look at, and I ended up getting a Thermarest sleep pad and a camel bag for my backpack. The pad is legit, I slept on it last night because I am a loser. But that's neither here nor there and the real purpose of this is coming now...made an impulse buy and picked up a new pair of kicks:

Found a pretty sweet pair of suede Sperry Topsiders. Note the Sperry logo and the patented wave outsole. I don't plan to be slipping on any poop decks this season, my friends. Anyways I had wanted a pair of Clarks for awhile now, and while these are not Clarks, they are suede and (in my opinion) stylish. And everybody has a pair (or 3) of Clarks these days...I guess I missed that wave. Still I'm a huge fan of the desert trek but I guess when the time is right I can go with brown leather and just not get suede). The Sperry name almost kept me from buying them...Sperry's are not my style. But they're certainly not your traditional Nantucket donkey Sperry's. Believe me, those will never find their way on my feet. You wouldn't know by looking at them they're Sperry, and I like this fact.

I actually wore them to work today. I was going to wear them with a white polo but then I got it dirty moving some things around in my basement so I had to change. That really pissed me off I had kept that polo clean for damn near 6 months. So what do I do at lunch today? I dribble some yogurt on my button down that hadn't been washed in 7 months. I kept a level head though and quickly removed said spill with a deft slip of the tongue and a dab of water and we're good to go another 7. But to get back to my attire I looked good, trust me.

Anyways I think the folks at Bean's were lying when they said they retailed for $100. But they were marked down to $50 on the tag and with Mommy's clever discount I picked them up for a cool thirty five junior bacon cheeseburgers. Not a bad pick-up. So get ready because I promise you these things are never going to see socks and come summer they will be HOT. Cheers.


P.S. This Bonnaroo plan is growing legs and you'd better get on or you will be left behind. It's already become a reunion of the sketchy kid and the kid no one likes; still looking for two other brave souls. Getcha popcorn ready...

Bonnar-(who's with me)?!

Last year I made a late, last-ditch effort to coordinate a road trip of those close to me to make the short trip to Tennessee to attend the Bonnaroo music and arts festival. This years dates are June 11-14 (That's a Thursday-Sunday as I know few of us have calendars handy). I know these are once again convenient for me because my current employer will no longer be paying me then. Unfortunate as it is this should free me up to let the wind blow in my (slowly-but-steadily-growing) flow and set the Blue Angel on a southern course. It's a 4 day event and tickets are $250 [Editor's note: they were cheaper to start but Phish has signed on to play so everyone is freaking out and buying them faster than things that move really fast...if if I miss the boat this year because of those jokers then I'm going to freak out]. I'm not saying it's dead-set in my mind but if I'm able to secure a crew of 2 or (preferably) 3 more people let's get after it and make a week out of it. The acts are always off the charts. I was on the Bonnaroo website last week and the musical features had not yet been announced; however, I know since then they've got them up. I am not writing this from the luxury of a computer which possesses the "internet" so I am not at this time able to name the headliners and the other groups.
[Editor's Note: Here you go, be impressed with the talent. These are just some of the highlights...Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band, Phish (2 shows), Beastie Boys, Nine Inch Nails, Wilco, *Snoop Dogg,* *Ben Harper and Relentless7,* *Gov't Mule,* *Merle Haggard,* MGMT, moe., The Decemberists, The Del McCoury band, Lucinda Williams, *Citizen Cope,* *Grace Potter and the Nocturnals,* and about 30 others I just don't care quite as much about...*-* are acts I am especially interested in viewing...]
There are a shitload of acts and music and fun is going all day long. Just give me a shout any way you know how to contact me. While (I believe, anyway) I've mellowed in my old age I'm still confident enough to go old-school and GUARANTEE a good time for anyone who chooses to sign on for these schenanigans. I think this could only lead to good things. Cheers.

P.S. If I'm late again it's my own fault because I had been meaning to get some feelers out last month...but if you're serious and not yanking my crank let's make it happen it will be nothing but the best.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Monday (and every other...) Morning

Most of you know I have a pretty relaxed daily schedule [Editors Note: the fact this is going up after 10:30am upon my immediate arrival to the office should illustrate that I have a rather fluid schedule...]. I get to work when I get to work. I leave work whenever it is that I decide I'm finished for the day. It's not half bad when I phrase it this way. But if there's one time of the day I enjoy most it is in the mornings before I go to work. I conveniently sleep in until at least 7:30am (read: usually 8:30) before I rise and start my day.

For the past three and a half weeks or so I've been sleeping in a sleeping bag rather than under my covers. I don't really know how this started other than I got a new bag 2ish months ago and never got around to trying it out until the middle of January. Since then I guess I just haven't bothered to stuff it back in its sack. I can't say it's overly comfortable but it does have a handy little zipper at the bottom so I can unzip a crack and keep my feet from sweating. I don't like hot feet when I'm recharging by battery. I think I like the bag because I feel "safe" inside. Safe, with a side of suffocating claustrophobia. It's really a treat.

The place where my head rests is also my (cluttered) workstation for many of my masterpieces I need to write in notepad so the format doesn't get messed up as I cut and paste text into the lovely form you're staring at I call it my efficiency, because living with your parents just isn't that cool.

(Note the minesweeper scores. I'm legit...)

Once I finally rise I spend the remainder of my morning listening to music and showering and eating breakfast. The paper is usually out but I generally don't read it. This particular morning I was listening to some new old Warren Zevon. New in the sense the album was just released last year, old in the sense the songs for the album were recorded pre-1976. Warren's prime, in my humble opinion. It's got some demo versions and some unreleased stuff. It is (appropriately) named "Preludes." I give it a 7 out of 7 Hershey Kisses.

My breakfasts are almost exclusively oatmeal. Usually Quaker because mommy buys Quaker. When we start to run low I replenish our cabinets with store-brand because that's how I roll. It is a tasty morning treat, either way. Usually I shower before breakfast and then compliment my oatmeal with a glass of water and a cup of coffee, but some days I mix it up. I also make my lunch during this time. Well-played mornings when I'm on top of things I'll shower, then eat, then make my lunch, but mornings when I refuse to get out of bed until after 95% of you folks are already working I need to eat while I'm making my sandwich and gathering my fruit and vegetables. So it goes. Early-rising mornings also allow me to quickly check my email, throw up the occasional post and play a few games of solitaire and minesweeper. Each of these tasks contribute to me going into the office relaxed...if I miss one of these (usually not enough minesweeper) my day continues rockily.

Since it's the winter time I need to usually preheat the Blue Angel while I'm brushing and flossing my teeth so she's all purring and ready to go for the long drive to the office. Thinking of this reminds me I need to take her to get washed on my way to work one of these days. She's a mess. Cheers.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Old Age

So we hosted a meet last night and we're hosting a meet tonight so I've been right out straight all week. Once more week until I get a little relief as we go on break in 6 days (remember we are Bates High School, after all...) Anyways I haven't had a whole lot of time to get fingers to keys on this fine instrument of communication. But I found this to be of particular importance. I distinctly remember Joe Monatana's last two seasons, which were with Kansas City. Those were the 1993 and 1994 seasons. Are you kidding me? That was 14 seasons, aka YEARS, ago. Bill Russell said famously, "You know you're getting old when you start talking about what you've done instead of what you're going to do." I'm no where near there yet, but, JEESH?! 14 years ago?

I have a Joe Montana autographed picture, though. With the Chiefs. Ah, memories.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Scholarly Research: Finally Revealed...

When I got home Monday night I realized a lot of what I spill on here is just biased, unfounded bullshit, and I began wondering if anyone actually takes me seriously. That is, if anyone actually considers me to be a legitimate writer. It took me until Wednesday but I've decided to demonstrate my intellectual side in the only way I know how: by presenting you all with my undergraduate thesis. This was the product of 8 months of non-stop hard work and dedication that few have matched in the history of the college. I can actually sum up the structure of it in one word: concise. I am confident I dd not waste a single word in the forty-three hundred which covered fifteen and one half pages of my experimental design. Added to my fifteen pages of cover sheets, abstract, references and appendicies I was able to produce a lean, mean 31 page work of art which will remain a timeless relic on the campus of Bates College. It was only turned in 17 days late and during the 2nd week of short term, but I promise you this thing is a gem.

Obviously I've submitted this baby to countless scholarly review boards in an effort to be published, but right now it has only been contained as the lead article in Bates' annual Psychology Review (This actually is the truth and is not a joke, I promise you that much...I've got the hard copy to prove it). So if you've got 5 minutes to kill take a look at it, and if you can tell me what I was able to correlate then you are a better person than I. For you current college students out there set your goals high and if you need any advice on your theses after reading this then you just let me know.

Seriously though, the preparation of a thesis is what you make of it, and I made it a fun and exciting time and made a lifelong friend in Kathy Low. Us A-towners need to stick together. She's legit. And I had a blast throwing together a poster in powerpoint in one night. It came out looking much better than the thesis did, which in my opinion was all that mattered. That, and I got to put pictures of myself and other close friends in it, unlike the thesis. Go Bobcats! Cheers.

Why I love Lewiston, and a question for you...

On my way in to the office today I passed a young man walking down the road. It was pretty cold out, so he had one of those masks on that cover your nose and face, not the legit bankrobber hats but just the ones that have neoprene and some fleece and you velcro them in place at the back. Well these don't have the big hole for your mouth, they just have a bunch of little holes so you can breathe but not let a lot of cold air on your face. And through one of these holes the guy had jammed a cigarette. That is L/A in a snapshot. We adapt to the situation at hand and just get it done. And if it means finding a way to get a nicotine fix on a cold February morning you know the real folks from L/A are going to have a plan on lock down (For those of you who think I'm being ironical and I'm actually making fun of this guy go piss up a rope. You don't know me well enough. I love these towns; always have, always will).

Now onto a question which I cannot answer. Data suggests (I can't find the specific study but I KNOW I've read this before) that in a public restroom, stalls nearest the entrance are more clean because they are actually used less. For this reason I always try to pick the one right near the door as long as someone didn't just murder it, or for other obvious reasons which I will not delve into more deeply here. Anyways that being said, here is the set-up:
There is a public bathroom, but this is no ordinary restroom. It is on a corner so it has two entrances/exits. there are three stalls and these stalls are placed in between the doors. Which stall do you use? See, you don't know which entrance is used more frequently so you don't know which should be the more clean end stall. At the same time, men's bathroom etiquette says you don't take a middle pisser or stall in a three unit set-up because then there is the potential for the random "come-up-to-take-a-piss-but-there's-a-guy-at-the-middle-pisser-so-there's-some-hesitation-to-approach-but-I-really-don't-want-to-piss-in-a-stall -so-I go-to-a-urinal-but-it's-just-awkward-for-both-of-us" situation. And the cardinal rule of "you don't double-barrel unless your friend is in the next stall so you can talk about sports and women" applies to central seating on the cans...
So my question to you is the following: In this scenario do you think the middle stall would actually be the most clean? Thank about it...Cheers.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Brandeis Closing their Art Museum

Editor's Note: I wrote this last week and it still pisses me off. Just a lame-ass decision made by donkeys. Needed to get this up...

I don’t know how many you have heard this but on Monday Brandeis University announced they were shutting down their art museum and selling off their entire collection to add funds to their endowment due to the economic climate which the nation is currently in. It disgusts me that an institution with a reputation like Brandeis (pretty solid, gets well-off students, has a nice campus, produces a population of decent people) would produce such a small-minded and shortsighted “solution.” Their collection is valued upwards of $350million (which isn’t bad starting pay), but, seriously. It’s just extremely troubling that a school would consider shutting down a substantial gallery just to make a few dollars. Clearly they’ve lost a substantial chunk of their endowment and I’ve heard a significant number of their usual donors were caught up in the Bernie Madoff scandal, but still. It is a terrible market to be selling art. But I guess what I find most troubling is they are viewing art as just $$. No cultural or historical significance, no educational significance, these works are just assets. Needless to say the museum director is furious and many of the folks who donated works are planning to head to court to fight the sales but I will be very interested to see how this all plays out. I really hope this is not the start of a trend. If some colleges purchased their galleries just for investment pieces then that’s very, very scary to me. Art should mean more than that. This response was prompted by Batesie Nichole who is quite an art buff and who showed me the article and also “Ms.” Melissa Perkins whose art class I hung out in throughout high school. I had more to say on Tuesday but this is all I have now...I'm running out of steam it's been a long week all around. Cheers.

Good Morning, Vietnam

I like tepid coffee in the morning. Black. This way it's strong but you don't have to worry about burning your tongue or waste time blowing on it. Let's you hustle a little more than fresh brew.

Anyways, where the hell did January go? Holy hell. If months keep moving this quickly then I'm going to be unemployed before I know it.

That being said until I am actually unemployed I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to keep up my rapid January blogging schedule. I know this is not the best thing to come right out and tell your (one or two) readers, but that's the way it's got to be. Think of it as more of a two posts every three days minimum. If I have to wax off on something then don't worry, I'll get the word out. But don't get up my ass if I miss a day or two because apathy, laziness and/or work commitments strike my motivation during my peak quiet hours.

And as usual no promises on my keeping with current events or getting my work up in a timely manner. I have some words from last week that I didn't get up yet which will be forthcoming. Basically 99% of the crap I spew is produced in my 100sq ft "efficiency" in the Capone house and it contains no internet. Which is actually nice, just take my word on that I'm really being serious. So for the most part I get things up from my workshop in the a.m. prior to work or I bring my jumpdrive to work and post from there. So when I'm posting garbage at 1:37pm it's because that's when I had 5 minutes to kill, not because I decided to put together a human interest story for the preceding 90 minutes. I don't like the man, but I respect the man. Enjoy your Monday, I probably won't. The week, however, should be swell; I've got some interesting things in the works - stay tuned. Cheers.