Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Thanks for reading, Allison.

So a week or two ago I throw up a big time shout out for everyone to remember No Doubt, and lo and behold my girl Allison Iraheta comes through and does me a solid tonight and throws it back to '96 with "Don't Speak". AWESOME.

While I wouldn't say you blew me away with the opening (keep "the axe [thanks for that, Paula]" in the closet you rushed through the first part) you did finish strong and closed it out with your typical flair. And I don't care what those judges said, kid, your getup was a nice touch. You are a rock star, you can pull it off. If you get a chance mess try messing around with a Grace Potter track in an upcoming week - I think it would be a perfect fit. Keep checking back in, thanks for the support!

(Today this still really is good stuff)

Keep on keeping on. Don't worry, the video will be posted Wednesday whenever I have a minute. Cheers.


And Nick: You know I'm a Megan fan too, so I know we're on the same page with her having no shame and promoting herself as a sign off with Ryan ("Vote for me everybody!"). Seldom used, but definitely effective. I absolutely loved it. And I have no doubt she'll be back next week shimmying and shaking unconsciously. You heard it here first.

Fuck you, Facebook

So Facebook decided to get all cool and made up some dating matchmaking how-do-you-do on there. Whatever. None of my business. Well, it wasn't my business until they got rid of the big photo thinger and replaced it with this steaming pile of dating dogshit. So now no one can see this beautiful picture of the fab 5 from when I graduated; Midnight madness is a ball-buster. But we got it done. Anyways. I'm not impressed with Zuckerman or Zuckerberg or whatever the hell that asshole's name is. For awhile the picture would still come up, but when I checked today it was gone. Bastards. So from now on it will be enshrined here. Cheers.

(That was one hell of an afternoon...and fear the mullet.)

Monday, March 30, 2009

(You all knew this already, but...)I have no shame...

"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings."

Happy Monday. You may notice a new box on the right side of your screen. Yes, it's time for me to look to you, the world, and the kindness you all possess within your hearts. If you have dreams of where this site can go then click it and send me there.

If you forget how good the buffalo wings at Gipper's taste then slip a 10spot my way and I will describe in great detail how deliciously messy they are.

If you want to hear me rant and rave about the new exhibit at the Portland Museum of Art (which reminds me: Sam you've got to go to your museum and let me know how that Matisse and Picasso exhibit is...I'm unhappy it wasn't open while I was down and will not be open by the time I am able to return...) then go halves-ies with me and I will not disappoint.

This isn't gambling, this is as close to a sure thing as you can get around here.
The world is my oyster (as long as you all are buying...).


Saturday, March 28, 2009

Sweet night

It's 11:48pm on a Saturday night. Needless to say I'm at home doing ABSOLUTELY nothing. Beerfest is on Comedy Central. Awful movie. But when Farva died they drop a legendary Poison power ballad...which I think just made my night.

But leads me to a query: Why do these fuckers on youtube not allow you to embed good music videos? I'm stuck with this live cut from Rio (still pretty sweet because it's one of the few that gets Poison in the early days when they were still all coked up...and Rio? That has to be a good time down there) instead of the legitimate cheesey '80's video (And be honest, those panties are legit) which I cannot embed (Hair metal, leather and drugs. That's what 80's rock does!). This shit pisses me off. I first got angry at this with R.Kelly from a week or so ago, but at least he peed on people so you know he's a little f'd up. "Embed disabled by request" my ass. I expected the star of Rock Of Love to be fine with any publicity he could get. Maybe this is just a little bit of Jack talking. Maybe not. Flip a coin, I suppose.

And, "yeah...it does." Cheers.

p.s. And Nick, you know you'd never succeed in an international beer festival because you need to actually finish the beer in your cup to win. Just throwing that out there. ZING! Peace, I'm outta here.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Quote of the week:

"On the other hand, you have different fingers."
- Woody Paige's chalkboard on Around the Horn.

This was from Thursday. But, Happy Friday all the same.

And the fact that there is a website dedicated to posting Woody Paige chalkboard quotes shows you can find ANYTHING on the "internet." Frightening.

I saw this on the show, but wanted to quote it correctly, which allowed me to stumble there...scary.

Have a great weekend. Cheers.

Thursday, March 26, 2009


You know (like every week...I suck) I watched Idol last night. And you know (like every week) Allison BROUGHT THE HOUSE DOWN WITH HER PIPES. It was just an unbelievable performance. She flat out gets it done. My week doesn't start until I hear her sing. Even the Idol producers knew last week's slap in the face of being in the bottom three was going to light a fire under her ass. So they give her the main event spot and she goes to work, another day at the office.

I know a lot of people are telling me how swell they thought Adam was last night. And I'll admit, he was good. But you can't make chicken salad from chicken shit and all that dinkus really wants to do is sing shitty emo music in a shitty-sounding, ear-piercing, way-too-high voice. This was the exception, not the rule. Must I remind you of his flat out embarrassing "Ring of Fire" last week? NEVER FORGET: This guy blows. Cheers.


You may be noticing a trend in that I've gone from only talking about The Wrestler to only talking about Idol. Sorry, but Allison is that good. That's how you know I'm serious. And I've kind of been talking a vacation from the blogosphere this week and I've avoided computers when I leave the office. I'll have some new material for tomorrow or next week. Don't worry about it. I'm like the newspaper: I'm there every morning...

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Cinnamon + Sugar, Food, etc.

Together, they taste just like they smell: DELICIOUS! But before I get too ahead of myself...Don't start with me. I know I was lazy and didn't pre-mix the cinnamon and sugar together so that there is the perfect balance of sugary goodness to combine with cinnamony zip. So, consider this a half-assed version of perfection. I did use butter, though, which is also very, very necessary to creating a delicious cinnamon & sugar bagel. Margainine is for donkeys. I don't eat these for breakfast, but I suppose you could and I know if I did I would be smiling all day. This is usually an after dinner snack when I have dinner too early and need to feed the monster (so to speak, this isn't my creation but I use it from time to time...I don't steal shit) before I go to bed.

While on the subject of food...lemme recommend a dining establishment for your stank asses (Redman's legit but that's a story for another place and another time. I'll be dat later): Holly's Own Deli & Restaurant in the A-U-B. I had been here a few time for dinner and/or drinks, but yesterday I found out they have an excellent lunch spread. Marie had an AM appointment which required her to take the day off, so I took most of the day off too, well, because you can do things like that when you're your own boss. So after a little trip to Freeport we grabbed a sandwich at Holly's. Muy bueno (I'll be fluent and visiting in no time, Camps). The yellow curried chicken sandwich was good, but I still have to say the best I've had was at Nothin' But the Blues in the Lew, which is now closed and pisses me off every time I drive by it all shut up and graffitti'd on...jerks. That place was great. Anyways back to Holly's. Very nice, relaxed atmosphere, they have mugs for their coffee and not paper cups, what's not to love? When summertime comes around they've got a big patio out back complete with ashtrays, they know their market and cater to it nicely. Most weekend nights they have live music in the upstairs dining room that really brings quite an eclectic blend of people together. Last but certainly not least: they always have Long Tail Double Bag on tap, which may just be the best beer on earth.

Screw the bagel, thoughts of Double Bag will keep me smiling all day...Cheers.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Nobdy sees anything wrong...

With a little bump & grind. Camps - this is for you. I mean, you sent this to me so I'm getting it out in the open for you. Pretty funny, very staged, but still a good laugh.

And because R.Kelly is an asshole and doesn't let people embed his vid's form youtube I'm forced to throw up a video of these clowns which is probably more funny than Camp's previous.



Also, checked out ClubTrillion this weekend for the first time. It's a blog started by an Ohio State basketball player who lives on the bench. It's a reference to the post-game stat lines when he gets in for garbage time for a minute or two so it shows 1 game played and then 0's in the next 9 columns for points, rebounds, attempts, fouls, etc...I heard of this awhile back when I was an awful basketball player who only say garbage time...Skip would joke for me to foul a guy as soon as I got on the court to get something in the stat line and break up the streak of zero's...and besides that, fouling was really all I could do on the court so I guess this is a story for another day...haha, my basketball career...STAY TUNED!

ANYWAYS. We started our blogs at about the same time...I'm quickly approaching 3000 hits...this asshole is up to about 700,000 and gets shout outs from Bill Simmons. Garnett was right, though, and anything is possible(!!!!!!!!!!!!!). I just need to get the word out so I can get close to a million hits and still be making $0, like this kid. Well played, sir. Well played.

Thursday, March 19, 2009


I've done no research, I've watched less than 15 minutes total of college basketball this winter, I've read no predictions, I've seen no spreads. But this is my bracket:

I'm feeling a hot streak this year, to the tune of the year Sloat only got two games wrong in his entire bracket...ZING!!

Like the President, even in the midst of the greatest national crisis since the Great Depression I was still able to squeeze in time to do this. If the President could fit it in, dammit, so could I!

Enjoy the tourney, I'll be watching far too much of it at Gipper's. Wait, with beer on tap at the house, after tonight my ass isn't going to leave my couch for quite some time. It's Export on tap, but that's what I call...living the high life. Cheers.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Let me start by apologizing...

I'm almost certain this will be the most insensitive thing I've said on here: The blind guy has to go on American Idol. I'm sorry. I feel badly saying it. But seriously, it's just got to end. Just admit that he has no chance to win. None. I've got a better chance to be President than this guy does to win. That's just the way it is, that's life. The guy's got a decent voice and he's an excellent piano player, but the last person to idolize pianists (haha, I could be very childish here but I'm not going to even bother...) was Schroeder from Peanuts. It's just awkward for everyone involved. The contestants when they all sing together, the judges when they have to say he wasn't that good (Other than Simon, because he's the only one who really tells it like it is. It seems that Paula, on the other hand, would blow [hell, maybe has blown] him just because he's blind...) and the voters because who really wants to vote against a blind guy? So don't vote against him. Just, don't vote for him and we can put an end to this "feel-good" story. QUit the reverse discrimination against the sighted who are better singers.

Chances are tomorrow I'll break my leg for the previous incensitive paragraph. But, I feel I've got to tell it like it is. Cheers.


Much better take on OK Go than those Idol clowns (and I NEED a digital camcorder so I can experiment with this s...):

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Likes, dislikes...

I've decided that I absolutely love Chex mix. I don't know why. But, it really has everything...pretzels, Chex, bread, other little things that kind of look like a sex toy...what more can you really ask for? They're low in fat and they have some good flavor to them so I recommend to all. I haven't found a flavor I haven't enjoyed, but some of the ones with some chocolate kick to them are excellent. However, as I say with Law & Order: The original is still the best. And that's the truth with Chex mix. I don't think I've ever tried to make my own but I'm sure that would be the best of everything. That way I could throw in some nuts, wheat Chex, corn Chex, pretzels and some semi-sweet morsels. Milk chocolate is for suckers. Try it out and let me know how it tastes. There's something magical about the combination of salty and sweet...Other-worldly, really.

I absolutely can't stand guys who let urinals "mellow" in public bathrooms. Flush that piss down. When I used to live alone I would always let it mellow but that's in the privacy of my own home. If I get my own piss on me then whatever, it's my piss. But I don't want to look at your piss or splash my piss around in your piss. That just doesn't do it for me. So press the god damn lever and send your stream south. Public restrooms could solve this problem with those newfangled contraptions that are urinals without water. I don't know how they work but I like them. Believe me, when I put a urinal in the master suite of my house you can bet your ass I'll be flushing that thing only when I'm catching a buzz of the nitrogen, but for now I will flush and so should you.

While on the subject of bathrooms...gotta respect the 2ply TP. Anything less would be uncivilized. But at the same time...wicked dislike to the stalls in public restrooms that align a crack of the door with the toilet that's in there. I don't like the feeling of looking out to see who's washing their hands, and i don't like the feeling of people looking in and staring at my willy. It's just a little disconcerting to me. I need more privacy than that. This is much more common in handicrappers, so I've phased back my usage there. It was just a couple of years ago that I could only relax on a handicrapper high seat, but I've since kicked the habit when I became a first stall man. Which leads back to an earlier question, but now twisted: If the first stall is a h-crapper is that the "first stall" (read: usually cleanest) or would it then bump to the 2nd stall? See, I have a sneaking suspicion a lot of folks out there like the extra space and high seat. A king sized room on a mighty fine throne. This is something the world may never know.

Last my memory sucks. This, I dislike. I feel like 95% of the things that pass through this brain of mine that causes me to think "That's interesting" or "YES!" are forgotten within 5 minutes. Just zoom. zoom. zoom. So I wonder: what's actually been solved by really smart people, but was forgotten before they could write it down? I bet some really good stuff. Stew over that one for a couple of minutes. Cheers.

Tavarez being Tavarez

Courtesy of misterirrelevent.com..."Former Red Sox Great (my quote for humor, not theirs)" Julian Tavarez, to a group of reporters on why he signed a minor league deal with the Washington Nationals after turning down an identical deal with the Natty's a couple of months ago:
“Why did I sign with the Nationals? When you go to a club at 4 in the morning, and you’re just waiting, waiting, a 600-pounder looks like J. Lo. And to me this is Jennifer Lopez right here. It’s 4 in the morning. Too much to drink. So, Nationals: Jennifer Lopez to me.”
Awesome. Just awesome. We need more truth like that on mics. And to bed on that note. Cheers.


Still on a video kick related to good 90's music: "How Many Mics" by the Fugees. The Score is a top 10 hip hop album of all time. It's in there. Write it down.

Wyclef, Lauryn and Pras had something that's not around anymore. Just can't-quite-put-your-finger-on-it brilliance.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Throwback album of the week

Just threw No Doubt's Tragic Kingdom into the ol' Blue Goose when I took a cruise across town on this fine afternoon. Absolute classic album. This will probably be playing non stop on my drives for the remainder of the week. I can't believe this came out about 15 years ago. This was one of the first albums I got, when those Columbia House offers used to be the cool thing to do. I got the first Fun Lovin' Criminals CD with this. Speaking of the Fun Lovin' Criminals, Come Find Yourself...that's another good album. Wait, let me correct myself, a great album. If you've never heard of them check out "Scooby Snacks," but "The Fun Lovin' Criminal" and "King of New York" are great, too. But back to the original topic.

And Gwen Stefani is a hottie. That's all I really have to say about that. Enjoy the weather, it looks like it will be lasting for awhile and maybe by the end of the week it will actually look more like spring. Yippee.

(Just for good measure...The Pulp Fiction samples are priceless)


Saturday, March 14, 2009

Need More NattyLights

I know (a few) people are out there reading on the regular, longing to contribute and poke fun at the things I write and do. Well, let the world know. We are a nation of great minds and a youthful spirit that wants to be heard. And I'm getting tired of only hearing from NattyLights. And cut the shit with the anonymous posting of comments. If you have something to say then come up with a clever pseudonym to add a bit of intrigue to your words or throw it back with a standard nickname that will make me and others laugh. But either way, be heard. If you're special enough I'll consider adding you to the payroll. I need your collective help to get 100,000,000,000,000,000 hits on my way to worldwide appreciation and fame. The buzz is spreading...pay the words of the 'pad forward. Cheers.


PS. Adam Lambert is crap. Just what we need...another cookie-cutter male pop singer. WRONG. GIVE ME ALLISON IRAHETA.

This kid has PIPES (and the song/artist choice...Heart...AWESOME.). This is what you want out of a musician. By 25 (that's 8-9 years, I know...it takes time to hone a craft and develop good material even with the talent she already possesses. It's not about commercial success it's about the quality of work and I can tell in my gut she fits into the latter category which is what I love about her) she's got 3 legit albums that she's written by herself and a dedicated band that are all close and contribute to the success of the team; she's an actual artist not just some clown who can take songs given to him by a manager and sing them...but legitimate emotion and feeling worked into every song. Songs drawn from the...heart (I'm clever, I know...)

Write it down: Allison Iraheta is your next American Idol.

Where am I?

This has to be the most depressing place I've ever been in my life. I've yet to see anything that impresses me about this area, other than cookie cutter farmlands waiting for tilling and seeding and cleverly designed old farmhouses that have been pieced together as families grew larger and larger over the years. I went to Steak and Shake yesterday, which I had heard were pretty big time out here. And I came away wanting to throw up. Don't get me wrong, as greasy burgers go they weren't too bad. I'd still take a Wendy's junior bacon chee in a heartbeat but they were OK. But just the setting and environment in the restaurant was disturbing. The attire for the employees was very 50's diner...whute hats, white shirts, black aprons, red trim...but the average age of the waitstaff looked to be 45. All with forced smiles, all absolutely miserable with their lives. And that was just sad to see. I can't say I want to be 45 and working in a Steak and Shake, but I guess right now a job is a job.

We also took a wrong turn Friday morning and took a drive through downtown Terre Haute. Equally depressing. Lots of one story ranches, all rundown. Closed businesses. The only areas that appear thriving are the big chains which have thrown up shop right off the main thruways. The days of mom and pop shops out here seem to be over. Even Wal-Mart is out here. It's just sad. It's like the movie Cars when the old small roads get overtaken as the Interstate system moved in. Only this isn't animated so this setting didn't end fake and happily.

I still haven't seen the Federal Pen (I guess it's infamous...15+ people knew McVeigh got iced out here...I didn't. Who are the serial killers now, huh? Huh?!) that's out here. Or Indianapolis Speedway. I looked all over for the speedway on the flight in and had no luck. Shucks. There's alwasy tomorrow when we fly out. I have to say I'll be happy to get home and I'll be glad to add Indiana to the list I don't have but should start of places I don't ever need to see again. Haha, sorry for the negativity. I'll try to lift your spirits with somehing fun and exciting later today or tomorrow.

I guess the Steak and Shake setting really messed me up. I can't seem to be able to put my finger on why. I think it was probably just the general unhappiness of all of the workers. These folks coupled with morbidly obese people bringing their (soon to be) morbidly obese children in for a FUN AND EXCITING lunch of greasy, growth-hormone-filled burgers and pesticide-laced fries. I expect 16-20 year olds to be miserable in their fast food jobs, but seeing that many 40+ women dressed up in foolish suits...I don't think I've ever felt more sorry for a group of people in my life.

See, I may actually have a compassionate side. But then again I didn't have a shake...maybe that was my problem. Cheers.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Midwestern Landing

So Thursday morning I was up at 2:30am to head to the Portland Jetport to head to Indiana for NCAA's. Ya, I got up at 2:30am. I have to say I'm much more accustomed to heading to bed around 2:30am, but, hey, I'm a gamer. Also took the Blue Goose down instead of renting a car, which was a treat for the two ladies I have competing because they were riding in a car that is older than they are. I aim to please. Nothing noteworthy occurred on the flight, but once in Indiana (we flew into Indianapolis) and we were heading to our hotel I saw my first "Country Road" sign. I don't recall ever seeing one of those before, but now I feel like I've gotten a little more in touch with my country roots. Miranda Lambert and I have never been closer (I think she's actually from IN, too, but don't hold me to that).

Also, we're staying in Terre Haute. Kathvh44 told me yesterday that there's some joke for east-bumfuck locations being known as "Terre Haute" and she didn't know there was actually a place on a map. I had never heard this before so I am wondering if others have heard random "Terre Haute's" get dropped?? Let me know, I'm interested. Also, if this is the case then I'm nervous to know where exactly "east bumfuck" is located (presumably east of "bumfuck and northeast of "south bumfuck, but I digress)... If it's no where on a map and some day I decide to found my own municipality in TR-92 or somewhere like that in way northern Maine, expect me to name that sucker "Bumfuck." Write it down, I'll make it happen.

There are many not-in-the-northeast food joints all over out here. I've had Culver's butterburgers the last time I was out here and haven't seen one yet, but expect a thorough Steak & Shake review in the next 24 hours (actually 48, I'm lazy). I haven't seen a Skyline yet, I think that may be more of an Ohio fad. I decided not to bring running shoes so my activity level will be minimal for the duration of my trip. I fully expect to feel like absolute ass when I return to Maine from this greasy diet. And I have absolutely no problem with this. Cheers.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

3 months...

to Bonnaroo. Last night I finally got around to buying a new big CD case so I could store the 20 or so cd's I've acquired since the new year neatly for travel and easy on-the-road listening and my mom asked, "Getting ready for your big trip?" Ya...in 3 months...(I don't even own A gun, nor many guns that would neccesitate an entire rack...) get the net!

Anywho (If ma's excited for me then I HAVE to be excited, right?!), in honor of a pretty good act that I know will put on a rocking good show let me toss up this video of Gov't Mule playing Alice in Chains live a couple of months ago. For those of you who aren't terribly familiar with Gov't Mule they started as an Allman Bros. band side project, one of the original members has since passed on but they're basically a southern rock jam band and they are legit. Ben Harper plays with them quite a bit, some of the Black Crowes at times, they're just well-respected as musicians. I first heard of these guys my first year at Bates. One of my roommates, Lenny-babe, was a pretty big fan. And if you're not familiar with Alice in Chains then get your head out of your ass and go buy Dirt for $6 used at your local music shop. And that's an order.

But, ya, I'm started to get a little bit excited for this trip. I'm confident it will be a good time. Bonnaroo coincides with the CMA Country Music festival in Nashville, too. This is the Superbowl of courty. So, yes, I'll be hitting up Nashville on the way to Manchester. Grip it and rip it. Cheers.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009


First video of yours truly. I apologize for the shit-eating grin. I was having a happy morning.

Take my advice to heart, it's a phenomenal workout.

I know this is no "New Place, New Plan" but I'll get better (For those of you who aren't familiar with "New Place, New Plan" I am PISSED that I can't find it on youtube anymore. If any of you out there [read: Haggles] still has a link to it send it my way and share the unintentional comedy with the world). With time I'll develop a personality behind the camera. Cheers.


p.s. Speaking of unintentional comedy: From Idol, which Marie and I watch together most weeks:
"Puerto Rican guy (I'm not good with names...)" on why he picked whatever Michael Jackson song he just sang: "Well I wasn't going to sing Bad or anything..."
Simon: "Well, actually, you kind of did..."

Had this happened in a movie I would have thought that it was corny as shit and just a terrible line. But having it happen in real life...you just can't make that crap up. I got a good chuckle out of it, mainly because Simon spoke the truth. That guy was awful. The 16 year old redhead will be the next American Idol. And that's all I have to say about that.

Saturday, March 7, 2009


at the Wedding. Just watched it last weekend. O, SNAP. So this is actually a tangent and I can't believe I didn't mention this earlier. Huge shout out to Nicholas Lawler (that's your name, eat it up) for his "surprise" present he brought me back from Chinatown when he was home last weekend...a bootleg of The Wrestler. A high quality bootleg of The Wrestler, to be more specific. It was in 4:3 aspect ratio but I can deal with that, made for a great Sunday morning coming down. But, Mr. Lawler you're the best and it's great how people close to me just keep feeding my mild obsession. You all are too good to me. And thanks, Craig, for ruining the surprise the day he bought it. Seeing how mad Nick was when I told him you had told me was just priceless. You can't teach unintentional comedy. ANYWAYS sorry for not throwing that out there earlier. And just to be clear I'm fine with anyone who wants watching it but that little sucker's not leaving my sight so it'll have to be a private screening in my basement or upstairs with my folks. I don't have a TV in my efficiency so for all of you (there aren't any, this is more to just make me laugh) ladies out there we won't be able to watch it on my bed and make out. Shucks.

K, now back to business. I also watched Margot at the Wedding on Sunday after my Wrestler screening with the folks (they liked it, Momma thought it was sad, I guess she's not familiar with Jake "The Snake." anywho...) and I have to say it was pretty funny. Well, I take that back, the first 75 minutes were funny because it was outrageous family drama which would cause most of us to say, "I'm glad we didn't have any home movies made at our family gatherings..." Families are funny, I think. Then it got too outrageous and I was left a little unimpressed. I don't like movies that fall off at the end. I've never directed a movie so I really shouldn't judge, but I'm judging.

But I really liked Jack Black in this role. He was hilarious and said a lot of things that made you say, "No shit...haha." It's not out-of-control physical comedy and he didn't appear to try to hard to be funny; he's just a goofy-looking guy who is wrapped up in his own head all of the time. My personal favorite was when he was talking to a 12 year old kid and Mr Black asked him if he wanted to be famous. The kid said yes so Black's character, Malcom responded "Make sure you can handle rejection. I can't." This was his excuse for an everyday outlook of apathy and laziness which I found quite refreshing as I creep towards unemployment. Maybe I'll become an artist, too. Do "a lot of abstract painting ... extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I('ll) just think about it (As said by comedian Stephen Wright...).” That would be something, right?

And Malcom pimps a 240 wagon h-core. I'm considering upgrading to a wagon this summer to get a little more cargo space, but the trunk in the sedan is nice because it's easier to hide the bodies (HAH! kidding...).

To sum: The ending (in my opinion) just gets ridiculous and lame, but it is still a well made film. Don't pay to see unless you have netflix, then you should put it on your "I want to see this movie" or whatever it's called. I don't have netflix, sorry, so I'm not hip with the nomenclature. Don't buy it for more than $5. That's my $.02. I'd say more but I don't like to be a spoiler. Cheers.

Friday, March 6, 2009

The onion blog

This is not a blog about The Onion, a hippy, liberal site that likes to make jokes. Some of them are actually kind of funny. But that's not the point. This is called the onion blog because this narration has many layers. See, right now I would like to first wish Shawn well as he begins his extended stay in South America. Find a wife, my friend, and if you're lucky the Blue Goose (throw out Blue Angel [of death] and Blue Bird, the namesake of the '86 Volv had been right in front of me...) will be making its way to Chile. Anyways, I was trying to think of a tribute to send Shawn off right with, and the only thing I could come up with is Immortal Technique's "Peruvian Cocaine" because Shawn likes rap and is now residing in South America (FYI to Sloat: Peru is in South America). So that's easy enough (this is not an official video, just a youtube image compilation special. But it doesn't detract from the song so just bear with it):

But what's funny here is I've been looking to post some of Immortal's work for awhile now. I think he's an interesting and talented artist but I also had a random run in with him while on campus at school my junior year I thought may amuse some of you who weren't around when it occurred. And I wrote this awhile ago so forgive any and all grammatical and/or syntax errors. I was just beginning to refine my style in those days (early November, I think, this was one of the first things I wrote I just never had any reason to post it...) so this is incredibly disjointed as far as verb tense goes...I may try to correct this on Sunday but chances are I'm not going to bother; I'm pretty sure you'll get the idea of what went on:
So that I a lot happened during my time at Bates and very little I care to bring up just for the hell of it. Narrating tales from yesteryear only provides ample opportunity for revisionist histories and misrememberances for which I have neither time nor place for on this fine pinch of "internet." But as it goes sometimes with youtube, the related videos take you to places you just don’t see coming; places you’ve been and can’t help forget. This particular event occurred on a Saturday as my junior year came to a close following a track meet where we were far away from home and we performed well as a team (at least I assume we performed well because we usually performed well and I was particularly fired up upon our return to campus that evening). The New York-based rapper Immortal Technique was performing on campus, and I found this laughable considering he is known as a rather tough gentleman, and is considered “real” for his continued refusal to sign a major deal. NY rapper + “The Bates Bubble” can only equal a good time, right? I put on my Saturday best (G’N’R t-shirt, cutoff jean shorts and my old work boots with crew length socks. It was May, so it was nice out and a perfect evening for this attire. And the shorts weren’t my dukes, they were knee-ish length. Still faded denim, but much classier) and headed out for the evening. The show was nearly over when I left my room so I didn’t bother. I soon ran into a friend of mine, who we will call Joel, and he knew where the “after party” was supposed to be. So we had (more than) a few beers quickly and then carried some road sodas as we began to head to the aforementioned “after party.”

However as we walked the street from campus we ran into five 20something, dreadlocked, African Americans who we kindly offered beers and struck up a conversation with. They were looking for this alleged “after party,” too. So Joel and I, the social butterflies we are, invite them to follow us as we are headed there, too (As I pause so you can remember my attire, Joel, in a clever twist of fate, is also wearing a cutoff t-shirt of a random 80’s band [I want to say REO Speedwagon but I’m not 100% sure…see, this is how incorrect documentation can result I apologize for this] and very similar jean shorts. Needless to say we were quite a pair and these gentlemen were happy to tag along with such fine, upstanding folks as Joel and I).

So we lead them down a couple of streets and in the door and there’s actually a lot of booze present and a good smattering of people were also arriving, which was a pleasant surprise. We continued conversation when one of the dreadlocked gentlemen makes a quick phone call and within 3 minutes Joel and I are standing with the 5 dreadlocked gentlemen and three new dreadlocked gentlemen, the last to arrive being Immortal Technique. In my inebriated state I tell him I enjoyed the show and I appreciate his work as an artist (The latter is very true; I consider him probably the most politically-conscious rapper out there today on many levels, internationally and also concerning the social issues prevalent in the U.S. This isn’t to say I’m a rap aficionado, just of what I’ve heard from him he certainly gets his point across) and we continue to talk for a few minutes as the house we’re in fills wall to wall with people.

This place is packed so as my conversation ends with Mr. Technique I start working the door and being a general jerk to the amusement of many people who are clustered around me. Big Dave (Editor’s note: I’m adding this on 3/6…Big Dave is not like Big Steve, Big Dave could pop my head like a zit…) and I are just shitting on people left and right and really amusing ourselves. It's a good time. And I'm pretty sure this place had Bud on tap. This was before I went pretty much exclusively Bud for my beer of choice (Editor's note: also a 3/6 add...except when I'm home and there's something magically delicious like Export on tap. No big deal I know you're all jealous) but at the time I'm 99% sure this made me very happy. So happy I had more than one of them over the course of my time there.

Another friend who we’ll call Keith (because that's his name) and I decide later in the evening to call and order a pizza and it arrives within a half hour of said call. The Papa is good like that. We’re both pretty sauced but we realize one of Immortal’s crew members decided to grab one of the two pizzas we got, taking it from Keith. Keith is 5’5”, flamboyantly gay and far too nice a guy to say anything about this act of thievery. I, however, decide this aggression will not stand. This aggression will not stand, man. As it turns out Immortal and his circle of friends had decided to order pizza as well and it arrived soon after ours, so obviously fair is fair and I snatch a box back for myself, Keith, Joel and Big Dave. Immortal’s crew is less than impressed and standoffish arguing ensues. Obviously I am not helping my case by looking like the whitest honky on the planet. This prompts Mr. Technique to stand from the couch he was sitting on and pass the bowl he has been smoking on and ask what the problem seemed to be. I tell him he (Immortal, because I saw him with a slice when I first came back upstairs) actually ate some of my pizza, not his pizza, before his pies arrived. And get this…Immortal apologies. To me.

I don’t hug him. I don’t give him a fist pound. I shake his hand, because gentlemen shake hands. We smile and acknowledge one another and we continue with our evening. And that’s a true story. Verification can be provided by many folks who were present, including a young lady who lived on the third floor of the “after party” house and is still a close friend, though I wish I had taken her to dinner (she knows this). This, however, is a story for another day (another day which will probably never appear in this medium, for obvious reasons), but she brings up the preceding story every now and again and I laugh. Wow. I’m glad I’ve gotten these days out of my system…

Anyways, I told you that story to tell you this story: I found this video of Immortal’s new single. It’s quite a track about poverty and social inadequacies prevalent around the globe. I hope you enjoy, and if you have some free time I recommend you locate some of his stuff on the "internet."

The finding of this video is what inspired me to reminisce on this random evening in Greater (or "lesser, depends on your perspective...) L/A back in November. Really hindsight tells me I was just an asshole and I should have gotten assaulted for my actions. But I guess I have just enough crazy in me to keep people who don't know me on edge...I'm also pretty sure as I was reading this over again I realized why I never posted this: I was trying way too hard to write something funny. As I conclude: my apologies, sorry for wasting your time with tonight's work. But seriously Shawn have a good time down south. And FYI: I've got Revolutionary, Vol 2 which contains "Peruvian Cocaine;" if you would like a burned copy just let me know. Cheers.

Thursday, March 5, 2009


I guess 2000 isn't all that significant a number, but it's just as arbitrary as 10,000 or 972, so if I want to brag about it I'm going to brag about it.

Keep reading and keep giving me stupid crap that I can use as material to demonstrate just how abnormally normal I am. I enjoy writing so I hope that you enjoy reading.

Same deal as last weekend I'll be on the road from Friday morning until Saturday night so if time is available and inspiration strikes I'll try to humor the few of you who are out there reading (I think there are about 10-15 of you a day...). I'll keep it off the pot this time, that didn't seem to go over very well. I'm honest; screw you for judging me.

Well last night I got thinking about Beavis and Butt-heada nd remembered my favorite video from the show. Besides a Gwar video that would just scare people. But, nice little animated Radiohead action. Have a fine afternoon.


Wednesday, March 4, 2009

How could I have forgotten this....?!?!

So the best part of the previous story I somehow forgot to mention last night when I was writing. It takes a lot of memory to hold as much heresy in my head for two days as I did, but I cannot believe I forgot this.

This came out in the middle of the retelling and I just kind of glossed over it, but as I reflect more on the retelling Jimmy and Josh were pretty freaked out over this info after the fact...

Josh has an older brother, who's a little bit of a creeper. He's quite a social networker and we'll call him Richard just to keep things straight. So apparently through some messed up (yes, even more messed up than this story already is...) Josh's brother and Andrea were friends on one of these sites, but had never met before and knew nothing about one another. And somehow Andrea knew Josh was Richard's brother and entered this into their conversation in passing... Let me repeat...Andrea knew Josh was Richard's brother but she had never met either of these people before, they look nothing alike, and neither had been in town for more than a couple of days together for the past 5 years? And just throws this out there like it's not a big deal at all, like facebook friends of friends is a good icebreaker (As an aside and you should have expected this to happen but Jimmy and Josh scoped out facebook at Big Steve's once Andrea passed out again to see who this freakshow was...and it turned out her and Riachard WERE'NT ACTUALLY FACEBOOK FRIENDS. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME, RIGHT?! Sunday morning they found out Andrea and Richard were actually myspace friends...for what it's worth...though this has not been verified. If this is not true Jimmy and Josh need to watch their backs...)
Stalker, much? To sum: This Andrea character was, and presumably still is, crazier than a shithouse rat. Batshit Crazy. This was like a perfect storm of craziness,

From an outsider's perspective I think Jimmy and Josh need to stop associating with one another, it appears only bad things happen when they are together...I have a sneaking suspicion this won't happen and I'll have some other narration of hilarity when Josh makes it back home to see his parents again at the end of the month...Stay tuned.

But really, wtf? The more I think about this chain of events the more I am just completely and utterly flabbergasted by it...Cheers.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009


I apologize for my general laziness and the fact we got another nice dusting of snow this past weekend which occupied more of my time than I would have liked. Really it was much more of the former than the latter. Hopefully the following will make up for the past couple of days:

This is a story that I was told on Sunday morning that I just had to relay to the small reading audience out there, just so you all can get a brief glimpse into life in the A-U-B these days. The names have been changed to protect the innocent, but the shame is still out there...
Two associates, we'll call them Jimmy and Josh, decided to go out and have a few beers on Saturday night. Jimmy had to work during the day, Josh was home visiting his parents for the weekend. The two meet up for a couple of beers around 9 at Jimmy's house and then headed to Gipper's where they met a third gentlemen, we'll call him Big Steve. Neither Jimmy nor Josh had seen Big Steve in quite some time, so a good time was had by all. Per usual around 11:30 Jimmy, Josh, and Big Steve headed over to the Goose, because the Goose is a great place. There was a fun crowd out and a few old faces who are still in the area, so it seemed as though things were shaping up for a fun evening.

Then things got interesting. A young co-ed who works with Jimmy, let's call her Andrea, said hello and they strike up a conversation. Jimmy was interested but he soon came to find out Andrea was really just interested in meeting Josh. Typical. So Josh and Andrea hit it off while Jimmy and Big Steve continued reminiscing about the good old days. Last call came around and Andrea invites Jimmy, Josh, and Big Steve over to her place for some more beverage. Jimmy and Josh agreed this would be a grand old time...she came in with a few friends so they assume it will be a little after-shindig; Big Steve thought better of things and headed home because he needed to work on Sunday. Anyways, the group then exited the bar.

Now business picked up. Andrea was in no shape to drive so Jimmy offered to drive her home; and she accepts this kind gesture. But while this was happening her friends suddenly were nowhere to be found - they all left (Allegedly heard saying, "Enough of her shit...let's go")... No matter, Jimmy Josh and Andrea headed over to where Andrea said she lived and Jimmy proceeded to drop Josh and Andrea off there on the condition that Jimmy picks up Josh in the early AM. Also typical, but for whatever reason Jimmy is a nice guy and agreed.

And here's the punchline. Notice the way I phrased where they headed in the previous paragraph. Not 5 minutes later Josh called Jimmy back...Andrea doesn't live where she said she lived. The people inside had no idea who this young lady is, and are clearly unimpressed a random, drunk person is attempting to gain entrance into their abode at 1:30am...Classic, right? Well, it gets better. In the time it takes for Jimmy to drive back across town young Andrea found the time to pass out on the ground in the 5 degree weather and (may or may not have) peed her pants. When Jimmy returns he and Josh had no idea what to do. Neither one was comfortable bringing this drunkard home, for obvious reasons, and they couldn't just leave her passed out outside due to the cold temperatures. When they searched her purse for identification they couldn't even find that, so they have no idea where the hell she lives, her friends are gone...wtf?!

So that's when Big Steve reentered the picture. Josh called Big Steve (who for whatever reason was still awake) saying they're looking to have a nightcap and Big Steve is a nice guy so he invited Jimmy and Josh over (information regarding Andrea was cleverly not mentioned, but there's no way Big Steve didn't know something was rotten in Denmark). Jimmy and Josh the carried Andrea to their vehicle and headed back across town to Big Steve's place.

In the meantime young Andrea came back to and needed to pee, so a pit stop on a dead end road was made. Andrea needed help staying up while doing her business so Josh obliged and ended up (allegedly) having his shoes get ruined in the process. The whole time this ride was going on Josh and Jimmy were attempting to find out where this Andrea character actually lives. And her response to each query was, "(...silence...)." But eventually the group made it to Big Steve's because they really had no place else to go. Big Steve didn't mind and everyone eventually made it in, Andrea immediately passed out (obviously), a little Guitar Hero was played and then bedtime called.

The group awakened around 8am and this little Andrea was clearly shaken by where the hell she was right then and how the hell she got there. Jimmy, Josh, and Big Steve used this opportunity (and the next 30 minutes) to mock her endlessly because she deserved it and she ruined their collective night. Come to find out this character had not closed her tab at another bar prior to going to the Goose and thus had no ID on her persons for Jimmy and Josh to find. Jimmy and Josh still have no idea where this idiot actually lives. And Andrea was practically in tears (embarrassed as she damn well should have been...that and Jimmy was a bit irritated by all of the aforementioned shenanigans and turned cold-blooded...) as they pulled back into the Goose. The end.But seriously, who the hell does that? It was clearly amateur hour Saturday night.
Lemony Snickets? Methinks so... I wish I had been out on Saturday to witness all this...Cheers.