Tuesday, March 3, 2009


I apologize for my general laziness and the fact we got another nice dusting of snow this past weekend which occupied more of my time than I would have liked. Really it was much more of the former than the latter. Hopefully the following will make up for the past couple of days:

This is a story that I was told on Sunday morning that I just had to relay to the small reading audience out there, just so you all can get a brief glimpse into life in the A-U-B these days. The names have been changed to protect the innocent, but the shame is still out there...
Two associates, we'll call them Jimmy and Josh, decided to go out and have a few beers on Saturday night. Jimmy had to work during the day, Josh was home visiting his parents for the weekend. The two meet up for a couple of beers around 9 at Jimmy's house and then headed to Gipper's where they met a third gentlemen, we'll call him Big Steve. Neither Jimmy nor Josh had seen Big Steve in quite some time, so a good time was had by all. Per usual around 11:30 Jimmy, Josh, and Big Steve headed over to the Goose, because the Goose is a great place. There was a fun crowd out and a few old faces who are still in the area, so it seemed as though things were shaping up for a fun evening.

Then things got interesting. A young co-ed who works with Jimmy, let's call her Andrea, said hello and they strike up a conversation. Jimmy was interested but he soon came to find out Andrea was really just interested in meeting Josh. Typical. So Josh and Andrea hit it off while Jimmy and Big Steve continued reminiscing about the good old days. Last call came around and Andrea invites Jimmy, Josh, and Big Steve over to her place for some more beverage. Jimmy and Josh agreed this would be a grand old time...she came in with a few friends so they assume it will be a little after-shindig; Big Steve thought better of things and headed home because he needed to work on Sunday. Anyways, the group then exited the bar.

Now business picked up. Andrea was in no shape to drive so Jimmy offered to drive her home; and she accepts this kind gesture. But while this was happening her friends suddenly were nowhere to be found - they all left (Allegedly heard saying, "Enough of her shit...let's go")... No matter, Jimmy Josh and Andrea headed over to where Andrea said she lived and Jimmy proceeded to drop Josh and Andrea off there on the condition that Jimmy picks up Josh in the early AM. Also typical, but for whatever reason Jimmy is a nice guy and agreed.

And here's the punchline. Notice the way I phrased where they headed in the previous paragraph. Not 5 minutes later Josh called Jimmy back...Andrea doesn't live where she said she lived. The people inside had no idea who this young lady is, and are clearly unimpressed a random, drunk person is attempting to gain entrance into their abode at 1:30am...Classic, right? Well, it gets better. In the time it takes for Jimmy to drive back across town young Andrea found the time to pass out on the ground in the 5 degree weather and (may or may not have) peed her pants. When Jimmy returns he and Josh had no idea what to do. Neither one was comfortable bringing this drunkard home, for obvious reasons, and they couldn't just leave her passed out outside due to the cold temperatures. When they searched her purse for identification they couldn't even find that, so they have no idea where the hell she lives, her friends are gone...wtf?!

So that's when Big Steve reentered the picture. Josh called Big Steve (who for whatever reason was still awake) saying they're looking to have a nightcap and Big Steve is a nice guy so he invited Jimmy and Josh over (information regarding Andrea was cleverly not mentioned, but there's no way Big Steve didn't know something was rotten in Denmark). Jimmy and Josh the carried Andrea to their vehicle and headed back across town to Big Steve's place.

In the meantime young Andrea came back to and needed to pee, so a pit stop on a dead end road was made. Andrea needed help staying up while doing her business so Josh obliged and ended up (allegedly) having his shoes get ruined in the process. The whole time this ride was going on Josh and Jimmy were attempting to find out where this Andrea character actually lives. And her response to each query was, "(...silence...)." But eventually the group made it to Big Steve's because they really had no place else to go. Big Steve didn't mind and everyone eventually made it in, Andrea immediately passed out (obviously), a little Guitar Hero was played and then bedtime called.

The group awakened around 8am and this little Andrea was clearly shaken by where the hell she was right then and how the hell she got there. Jimmy, Josh, and Big Steve used this opportunity (and the next 30 minutes) to mock her endlessly because she deserved it and she ruined their collective night. Come to find out this character had not closed her tab at another bar prior to going to the Goose and thus had no ID on her persons for Jimmy and Josh to find. Jimmy and Josh still have no idea where this idiot actually lives. And Andrea was practically in tears (embarrassed as she damn well should have been...that and Jimmy was a bit irritated by all of the aforementioned shenanigans and turned cold-blooded...) as they pulled back into the Goose. The end.But seriously, who the hell does that? It was clearly amateur hour Saturday night.
Lemony Snickets? Methinks so... I wish I had been out on Saturday to witness all this...Cheers.


  1. I heard a red flag should have went off in Joshs head when the girl claimed to live at 44 broadview....i mean 48, or 46, or so andrea said.

    Has the fake address move ever worked in bringing a guy home? i mean it takes alot of balls/stupidity to actually go through with it right? eventually the guys going to find out you don't live their right? and it doesnt help that the walkway was covered in ice.

  2. I think you meant to say, "...the walkway was allegedly covered in ice..."