Get rid of the UNRATED!!!!! Hoopla...

This unrated DVD release crap has just gotten ridiculous. Actually it’s more than ridiculous. It’s ridonkulous. Camps, Corm, Welch and I watched Max Payne UNRATED!!!!!!(exclamation points added for demeaning emphasis, obviously…) Saturday night upon my return from Waltham, MA, and all of us came to the same conclusion…what the hell was so wild and crazy that the silly US ratings board would have objected to being in a theatre. Granted, this was a PG-13 release which is just dumb, in my opinion. Any movie that is premised upon a video game where you’re continually busting caps into people has no business being rated pg-13. Clever marketing ploy, production company…

Obviously the movie sucked donkey balls. Mark Wahlberg hasn’t been in a good role involving a gun (Not counting Boogie Nights, where he was packing the whole movie. Heh. I’ve got jokes, let me tell you…) since The Big Hit, where he plays a hitman with a conscience and he’s supposed to not be taken seriously. Granted, in this case he was given a script of absolute garbage. But I’m losing focus, back to the issue of the unrated-ness. The preview shows hot women, one of them removing her tiny ass dress providing an above average backside and no bra to speak of. HOW CAN YOU NOT SHOW BOOBIES IF YOU HAVE THAT IN THE PREVIEW FOR AN UNRATED MOVIE?!?!?!?! Come on, fellas. That’s just pathetic. Be honest. They lead you in with this short red-dressed character (I don’t remember her name. Some no name who SHOULD be looking to get topless to jump start her “career”) walking away from Marky-Mark, taking off her dress over her head while heading into his bedroom. A hush falls among the four of us, anxious to see how they present her. “On the bed? I hope she’s topless on the bed; that would be nice. She’s on the bed, niiic…WHAT THE SHIT? SHE’S GOT THE COVERS OVER HER CHEST?!?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! WHAT, WAIT?! NOW SHE’S LEAVING?! WE’RE ONLY SEEING HER BACK AGAIN?!?!? wait … that’s it? that’s all? I already thought this movie sucked. Now I demand the previous 30 and the next 70 minutes of my life back…” It went something like that in my head…

A 16 second tease is all you need. It sucks. Don’t waste your time on Max Payne, Unrated(!!!!!!) or otherwise. It does not have one, single redeeming quality. The Wrestler, however, has gratuitous nudity courtesy of the feisty, free-spirited, risk-taker Marisa Tomei. More actresses should be so dedicated to their craft…Cheers.